a) Anurag makes one number short film in which he thinks the answer to sexual harassment is going all Kill Bill (because Tarantino is his Dronacharya). He respects women and feels why can’t they tackle problems like a man? Indian feminists suggest maybe he’s got the wrong end of the stick.
b) Then one day he gives an interview to The Hindu to express his concern for Indian feminist thinking becoming clouded by rage. Sachi, ladka dil ka bada hi accha hai. So achcha.
c) In this interview he gets into a little bit of a muddle-puddle over whether he is a feminist, anti-feminist, a man who respects women…but never fear. He then distracts all of us by quoting a foreign lady who has fabulous thoughts on rape. Reminds us of a boy we know who went to San Francisco and found his kundalini there.
d) Just in case we don’t get it or we think he doesn’t get it, he tells us that gora feminists are better than Indian feminists, because…because. Generally. They don’t get angry or something.
e) He finds out that two days ago in a twitter chat Genderlog did a serious analysis of his quotes from The Hindu interview. This he found out even though he left Twitter when he was not angry about a film he produced not going to the Oscars.
f) Because he is still not angry about someone analysing his beautifully original thoughts, he writes a 2000 word piece on a site called Moifightclub (they are not actually fightie, it’s a cinematic reference, ok?).
In this un-angry piece, he clarifies rape is a bad thing but perhaps not as bad as other terrible things. Imagine how much he would have written if he had actually been angry about something more terrible than rape. (Shiva Shiva.)
g) Because he is still not angry he reminds us that he has been a victim of rape himself and that “he has healed better because the world has not fussed over him.” And this continuing to be his unemotional, clear-sighted approach, he reiterates that ‘not being fussed over’ is what he’d like for the thousands of women who get raped in India every year. Not fussing over a rape victim, please note, includes analysing the CCTV footage in a recent sexual assault case and pronouncing his opinion on Facebook. In that case, perhap he’d gotten misquoted again because he was just being “not so good at articulation without my camera”.
h) And because he is still not angry, still feeling the love for all the women in Indier that he respects along with traffic rules, he’d rather discuss rape with “survivors and victims”, not feminists. Because these two groups never mix. Imagine a feminist being raped. Or a ‘survivor and victim’ being a feminist. You are feeling confused? Not knowing the difference? Arre, the key difference is ‘survivors and victims’ always listen to Anurag.
And feminists, those bad, bad girls. They never listen. Every time he starts talking about his understanding of rape and aftermath, they blow bubblegum, ring the neighbour’s doorbell, steal the baby’s lollipop, put their hands over their ears and sing loudly. Ain’t nothing a feminist finds less fun than listening to Anurag Kashyap. They’re all like:
i) And because Anurag Kashyap is still not angry he points out that feminists must have low IQ because they don’t understand what he is saying and he feels sorry for them.
j) We’ve heard that Arbaaz Khan does vipaasana. Perhaps Anurag does too. Because imagine after all this, he is still not angry. And because he is not angry he posts further vishesh tippanis to Genderlog under his own 2000 word piece: “To @genderlogindia . will post my responses to you here, since i can read you and not respond. i don’t need to read self help books to understand feminism, if i feel i don’t get it i will revisit the ‘the second sex’ again.”
Anurag likes to kick back in Aramnagar with a little Simone de Beauvoir to brush up on his feminism and a little Battleship Potemkin to brush up on his cinema. Cool 🙂
k) And lastly because he is still not angry, he says, “ your retorts on Twitter say and prove my point.” Naturally he is not angry, because everything proves his point. But that’s not because – like feminists – “even when you read the article, or my letter, you read it with an agenda, probably for your fan base. i invite you for a face to face argument where you are not allowed to scream. dare you.” Or as the man said:
Oh now that’s just cheating Anurag. When you are being so cute and patient and not-angry how could we possibly scream at you? You know you are going to lose that dare.
Chal, let’s hang one of these days, all of us and Genderlog. But first you do little padhai-shadhai, de Beauvoir-tuition? We are starting a little syllabus for you.
Best part is, even if you lose the argument, we know you will not get angry. You so sweet Anurag, ki hamari death hi ho gayi. Main sadke jaawan!