By Devika Kumar
There was a time when I thought my life was really cool.
At 24, I had a huge professional breakthrough. My salary nearly doubled and I jumped several rungs up the corporate ladder. I couldn’t believe my luck. I thought I had it made. Someone had decided that I was worth ‘x’ amount of money, which was higher than the industry average, even though I had only ‘y’ amount of experience, which, in years, wasn’t all that high. It was exhilarating. I had it all planned. In six years, I was going to be in one of those oh-so-posh Top 30 at 30 lists of an impressive magazine. In 10, I was going to write an inspiring book about shattering the infamous glass ceiling. There would be YouTube videos about how I had managed to “have it all”. My hair would, by some miracle, sit quietly and look pretty atop my head.
And then life hit me. Oh boy, it hit me so hard.
I clearly remember the first time it happened. It was about midnight. A new WhatsApp group – a “Core Group” from work. My groggy, almost-asleep brain woke up and tested those words aloud in the darkness. I decided I liked it. I liked belonging. It was like being the only woman member in an elite gentlemen’s club. I was the creative head but it seemed 1am to 3am were the bewitching hours when everyone was better at my job than I was. It was the first time I sacrificed my sleep to indulge men who liked to intellectually masturbate at ungodly hours. “Don’t these guys sleep? Or have sex? Or just do anything other than work?” I often wondered. But the message I was internalising was that everyone else was working harder. Maybe I wasn’t bringing my fair share to the table. I started living with a subtle, but lingering feeling of guilt. Wondering if I really did deserve my seat at the adult table. Wondering if I’d just gotten lucky. Wondering, doubting, questioning…but never believing. And so I didn’t say a word. Late-night WhatsApp conversations about work became the accepted norm.
It didn’t stop there.
As a tech company, we were always trying out new apps and services. As the number of sources increased, so did the number of groups. If I’d happen to wake up in the night, I’d start checking how many likes a particular post had generated on our FB page. How many more people had liked our page? Did we need to boost this page? From there it was on to Twitter, then Pinterest, then Vine, our YouTube channels and finally the company blog. I’d sit, transfixed at 2am, staring at Google Analytics and wondering if these many visitors a day were good enough. Soon, my body clock adjusted to factor in this task; I started waking up every night to look at live social reports. The lines between professional and personal spaces were so blurred, it was almost as if they didn’t exist. I’ve lost count of the number of times when I’d disappear into the bathroom for a decidedly odd number of minutes during dates because there was always some idea to be discussed, some expansion plan that required immediate fist-pumping-in-the-air level of enthusiasm or some clarification that couldn’t wait until morning. I felt like I was caught in a polygamous work marriage, where when my various husbands said, “jump”, I simply asked, “how high?”
Four years into this lifestyle, I had my first breakdown and consequently, take-charge-of-life epiphany. I had hit rock bottom, creatively and emotionally. Four years of being the beck and call girl had turned me into a highly strung bundle of tension. I was so scared of dropping the ball, I refused to step back, take a breath and regroup. I don’t know which idiot taught me that the solution to burnout was adding more fuel to the fire! I started putting in more and more hours at work to fix things but achieved lesser and lesser with each passing quarter. Amidst all this, I was made aware of the clang, not the tick, of the biological clock. Marriage. Husband. Household. Babies. More responsibilities.
That’s when I finally, at blessed last, dropped the ball. I’d gone for a weekend trip to meet my nephew and I realised that we had no connection at all. He’d slink away from me and I had no idea how to talk to this tiny person. I remember returning from the weekend and spending a whole day in front of the computer, unable to key in one productive word, unable to write in a single email. I remember feeling numb on the outside and really, really cold and hollow on the inside.
Like every recovering addict, I realised I had to go cold turkey if I wanted a real shot at turning things around. I took a six-month-long sabbatical and decided to get Leh-ed, like so many friends had been doing for so many years and coming back with life-changing epiphanies. In those six months I climbed some mountains, lived in many huts, smoked some really strong pot, made some seriously ugly paintings and met friends scattered around the world and came back a whole lot more at peace with myself and my world. And most importantly, after so many years, I was back to living without a gadget attached to me like a phantom limb. The first thing I did after coming back to my really dumb smartphone was go delete, delete, delete. All social networks and every messaging app went out the virtual window. Next came the tougher task of setting boundaries. I stopped replying to work emails, calls or messages between 8pm and 10am. There were times when I had to physically separate myself from my various devices by locking them up in mom’s cupboard. I stopped working weekends. And most importantly, I stopped trying to explain my absences. It was a relief to stop sending my relatives to the hospital every time I was unavailable. I started taking my vacation days, instead of encashing them at the end of the year. When no one died, everyone got used to it. There were some snide comments initially, but I learnt to ignore them and carry on. When the monthly reports came, they were forced to shut up.
Surprisingly, I found support from some really unexpected sources. One of my biggest champions was one of the bosses. After a few weeks of quizzical looks, he joined in. Together, we’d pointedly switch off our computers and walk out calmly at 7pm sharp unless there was a pressing emergency. Once he came on board, things started changing. Not dramatically, but in small, imperceptible ways. People laughed just a little bit more. They looked a little less tired in photos.
Surprisingly, my female colleagues were the ones who almost sucked me back into the black hole. We were a young company with a low average age. Most of the girls in office were unmarried, ambitious and willing to put in crazy hours to earn that promotion and prove they were equal, if not better than the boys. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have been surprised. These girls were clones of my former self. Hungry for success but unsure if they deserved it. Worried, but aggressive. Insanely talented, but burning out rapidly. The work environment we were all operating in – not just as a company but as a country – breeds workaholics. At a time when technology is advancing at a pace where the concept of 8-hour-long workdays might soon be redundant because human beings won’t need to work that much, I couldn’t understand why the number of hours put in was still being used as a metric for commitment to excellence. At a time when technology was enabling a seamless transition between the two physical spaces that a person occupies – the work space and the home space –why weren’t we using its complete potential? Why were women still struggling to choose between ambition and motherhood? Sitting in a tech company, the questions were too hard to ignore. As for the women at my workplace, much to their resentment, I steadfastly refused to look impressed when broad hints were dropped about how early they were walking in and how late they were staying until. In my team at least, I started welcoming requests for flexi-timings, regardless of gender assignations. Not everyone came on board with the plan immediately, many still aren’t; I know it’s a work in progress, but it’s a project worth the effort.
One of the questions I was asked a lot by friends was why now? I was single, ambitious and driven. I was this close to breaking into the big league. Why did I want to cut back now? Why did I want to work only 7-8 hours a day? There was no husband or baby waiting for me to come back home and take care of them. This, I believe, is the core of the issue. Who had given anyone permission to decide that matrimony and motherhood are the two noble pursuits that justify a need for work-life balance? So here’s my answer for anyone who’s asked me why: I want to work only 8 hours because I want to go back home and stare at the ceiling and make plans for world domination while scratching my cat’s ears. Or I want to daydream while rearranging my underwear drawer – it’s when I’m struck by most creative ideas. Or I want to go on a new date every night so that when I am old and wrinkly, I’ll have hundreds of stories to tell my grandkids. Or I want to see the friends who live in the same city but I haven’t met in years, because “Who has the time to travel to the other side of the city?” When I cut back on work, I wanted to have that time, and it seemed (still does) like a good enough reason.
I’m a recovering workaholic. That’s my story.
Image: “The X-Files” by Aimanness Photography via flickr/CC BY 2.0, “Burnout!” by Dennis Skley /CC BY 2.0.
December 20, 2014 at 6:06 am
Finally some one has taken the bull (or should I say the cow) by its horns. 9
to 6 is more than enough time to excel at work and those who feel they
know better or do better (irrespective of gender) when they extend their working hours are merely
fooling themselves.
December 20, 2014 at 6:23 pm
KolhapuriChapal Yes. And will someone please tell the men too?
December 21, 2014 at 3:07 am
As someone who did the exact same thing 2 years ago, you will be surprised how over-rated both sides of the spectrum are. Neither work-life balance, nor a workaholic life, manage to sustain for long and we crave to be on the other side of the spectrum.
At-least the work-life balance side of the spectrum doesn’t have repercussions on your physical health!
December 21, 2014 at 8:18 am
theladiesfinger It was about time someone wrote this. Devika, more power to you.
December 21, 2014 at 11:38 am
urmila13thapril U0001f44cU0001f44c
December 21, 2014 at 3:41 pm
samikshadukia pretty interesting read!
December 22, 2014 at 6:42 pm
Kudos to you for taking this decision! I think one is truly productive only 4-5 hours in a day and the rest of the time our body is just going through the motions. I have seen many colleagues working 10 hour shifts and churning out the same amount of work that really effective (and happier) ones who make it a point to work for 8 hours. I hope companies realise that 8 hour work schedules will lead to happier employees which in turn results in increased productivity.
December 22, 2014 at 8:35 pm
Really good read. But there is another side of the coin as well. You assume that everyone puts in long hours with an ulterior motive (promotion, ambition, incapability to finish in time). I pick up my laptop after work because I /enjoy/ working. I chose to give those extra hours because I’m having fun. For me, that’s a workaholic. Not someone who is doing to please his bosses.
December 23, 2014 at 2:32 am
lavsmohan #SameBlood
December 23, 2014 at 2:57 am
Wonderful read and one that was the need of the hour for me. I have gone through exactly the same churns that you did and now am on a break to give my interest in writing a go. I Do intend together back to the corporate world one day, it’s ingrained in my system….. But I do know that when I do, I will follow exactly the path you just spoke about – have a life… Not just a work life mind you 🙂
December 23, 2014 at 3:16 am
mehyer JasumatiPatel thamidisetty ramthedr anil_prongs ArunBee AmatyaKautilya RakiTweets Most of us go thru this without realising..
December 23, 2014 at 3:17 am
mehyer JasumatiPatel thamidisetty ramthedr anil_prongs ArunBee AmatyaKautilya RakiTweets We need to learn how to let it go sometimes
December 23, 2014 at 3:18 am
mehyer Please do not add me to group tweets like this , I find it annoying > why not just tweet and PPL can retweet
December 23, 2014 at 3:18 am
jayshvenk couldn’t agree more. “Who says work and motherhood are the only reasons for work life balance”
December 23, 2014 at 3:19 am
mehyer Great now have to put with retweets & replies. Only way can rid of this is to block
December 23, 2014 at 3:20 am
JasumatiPatel OK, will not next time around !
December 23, 2014 at 3:20 am
mehyer Thanks !
December 23, 2014 at 3:25 am
vidyahariharan unfortunately organisations seem to think one is entitled to a life only if you have a “family” to get back to.
December 23, 2014 at 3:27 am
vidyahariharan MumbaiCentral I wonder how we can sensitise organisations to the fact that everyone needs downtime
December 23, 2014 at 3:28 am
jayshvenk mostly it’s by walking the talk. To paraphrase Perry Mason “life is not a rat race unless you run it with the rats”….
December 23, 2014 at 3:31 am
vidyahariharan U0001f44d
December 23, 2014 at 4:28 am
mehyer JasumatiPatel Tenali_RK ramthedr a mirror of the current , educated ,ambitious female who fortunately regrouped herself…..
December 23, 2014 at 4:29 am
Tenali_RK mehyer JasumatiPatel ramthedr anil_prongs ArunBee AmatyaKautilya RakiTweets that is the difficult part…
December 23, 2014 at 5:21 am
Great article. I am a firm believer in the work-life balance and have always disconnected post work hours. I have worked in Dubai and there this was the accepted norm. But in India, this is such a lost concept. I am glad you ignored the snide remarks which people who put in face time love. In fact, this lot considers themselves cooler, smarter and more hard working. In ad agencies, discussing how late you went home if often a matter of pride. Leave at 6:30. Memories arent made at the workplace, they are made inspite of it.
December 23, 2014 at 5:22 am
mehyer vox_populi2020 aThakkali Venkrek Priyalives bezubaan lakshmiaakula Kreasy Tenali_RK :The risk is quite real.
December 23, 2014 at 8:45 am
I love your post. I generally dont say that… but you have earned my respect.
December 23, 2014 at 10:51 am
Congratulations for making it out from the dark side. It inspires the rest of us that are still imprisoned.
December 23, 2014 at 11:44 am
AshwiniDodani Brilliant.
December 23, 2014 at 11:45 am
WanderlustGirl_ 🙂
December 24, 2014 at 6:04 am
Rightly said. Work can be one’s inspiration. It may even be a passion, but not an addiction because too much work takes the fun out of life
December 24, 2014 at 11:22 am
You just unplugged from the Matrix. Welcome to the real world! 🙂
Superbly written!
December 24, 2014 at 12:46 pm
Wow you hit the cortex on my brain directly and every word is 100 percent true , thanks
December 25, 2014 at 5:12 am
Beautifully written! Hope this message cuts accross to all those ‘driven’ people who are in the mistaken notion that work is everything. Go out, Explore. Live. Learn. Experience. Give. That’s LIFE.
December 26, 2014 at 7:17 am
Meh. Could’nt get more cliché ? Went to the mountains and came back a different person ? Sorry, but I think you can do better.The Naked truth is, the World is tending to be more and more materialistic and the last word of everything is money and profit. Hence, young people (like you) choose high-fetching professions. I feel, the same bunch of people should be prompted to leave aside their slogan of money and embrace a new ideal which would help them understand their fellow beings and thus emerge as better individuals. Humility and respect are certainly a crucial part of that learning. I don’t expect everyone to go to the mountains and come back a changed person (like you). A possible solution can come from our teachers in our schools/universities . A plausible answer is compulsory value education. Most educators confine themselves to a few well known and thus borrowing moral stories from the Mahabhartha or the Ramayana or even the Bible or whatever floats your boat. Naturally, children remain passive in the class or use that time to solve mathematical or scientific problems (like you, may be?). Besides, its not something that can be learned the way in which one learns J2EE or advanced programming or whatever less intimidating.
My Father is the greatest storyteller I know, and I believe values are to be imbibed by individuals. Assuming that children do not derive the required support and guidance from their home because of the characteristic social set up of working parents, It is one of the most important responsibilities of a teacher(s) to inculcate an effective value system as part of the formal education. Children should be taught that mere material prosperity will not gratify the finest desires inherent in us as human beings. Kids needs to be taught how money was maliciously introduced as a tool for enslavement, and money did not evolve out of barter and trade.
Life’s a lot simpler than we all think and getting leh’d or climbing mountains or travelling or meeting new people or whatever are just triggers in my opinion.
Be awesome and you dont “need” to work 9 hrs or 8 hrs a day, or be any sort of restrictive. Be a little selfish and get leh’d every year, climb many mountains every year and do all the things that you want to do every year. Life is too short to get leh’d just once. so…quit already !
December 26, 2014 at 7:45 pm
This is such a honest account and you have great thoughts in your head, I guess I am little near to reaching the professional context you have been in, I don’t know you but I would want to be one of those guys you would go on a date with some night, because you are absolutely amazing
https://m.facebook.com/sandeep.entrepreneur?_rdr
December 27, 2014 at 6:16 pm
I so so loved your post Devika. Beautifully written! I know that not everyone is fortunate enough to ‘love’ their ‘work’ or to follow their passion, but when that happens, it’s blissful, as it’s no longer ‘work’ in the conventional sense. And when that happens, one is not just ‘workaholic’ but one has all the time in the world to give to their loved ones and to themselves. Keep loving yourself and those around you!! Best Wishes.
December 28, 2014 at 7:20 pm
Nice to read it. Also relieved. Now I know, I am not the only moron so torn between professional and personal life. No matter what you do, no matter how strange your thought processes are, you will always find company-hence proved. 😉
January 7, 2015 at 12:21 pm
Beautiful combination of honest introspection and gutsy pen coming together to make a wonderful masterpiece article which has a lot to offer to those who want to learn from it.
January 23, 2015 at 3:08 pm
Nice to read it. Super language!!!!!! wish you best in life
March 6, 2015 at 12:40 pm
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April 27, 2015 at 7:36 am
Awesome! Its almost like a message to me. Thanks.
May 8, 2015 at 6:05 pm
Sorry, but I have to be the naysayer here…
If one is content in life and is focused on living a complete life versus having a fancy title, he/she won’t be faced with such issues. If not, it is super easy to get sucked into the rat race. There are a few people who make goals outside of their work place and they are the ones who end up living a fuller life. If you have goals like I will run a marathon in 6 months, I will learn a new language this year, I will travel to a new continent next year, you would not only broaden your perspective, but will also learn to say “no” to people at work. This is one of the key skills to learn. How do you say “no” politely and firmly, without hurting work relationships/partnerships.
On the other hand, I think of people who follow their dreams and passions. I don’t think they face the same issues. Do you think Sachin shuts of his brain at 7 pm after a defeat? Do you think the best authors and best directors think about their work only 9 to 5? If you’ve watched The Wrestler and Black Swan, it also shows where the subject is so consumed by their love for their art, that they are ready to give up everything else for it. They’re not sitting there thinking – Damn, I’ve lost my connection with my nephew. They’re obsessed with making a difference and don’t stop at anything.
Bottom line is there’s no right or wrong. Choose what suits you, and understand what you’re choosing. If you choose to be a person that works 20 hours a day at a desk job, be aware that you’re doing that. Understand your reasons for doing that. I’ve had friends who’ve done that for 2 years, and enjoyed doing it. They had clear goals what they’d want to get out of it, and they did. I had a similar consulting job offer where they said I’d have to work 12+ hours a day, and I said no thank you. I’d rather do a 9 to 5 job, earn a little less, but have the time to go to the gym everyday, cook my own food, spend time with people I love. It’s your choice end of day. No one is right or wrong. My friends may think I am stupid for giving up on a job offer. I may think they are stupid to be working at a lower per hour salary.
It’s your choice. Understand your choice, and realize why you’re making that choice. Impress yourself first, not the world first.
What irks me about this post is that the author made the decision to work in a job where she stumbled upon a short cut to success. You should know that’s going to come with long hours of work. If you’re young and they hire you into a role that’s meant for much more experienced people, then they’re taking a chance with you. They’re paying you less compared to what they would have paid to someone double your age. At the same time, they expect that you’ll work double the hours as the more experienced candidate. You’re inexperienced and have no bargaining power. That comes only with experience.
You chose to do that, enjoyed the “success”, and now write a story saying poor you, you’re so hard working. You’re victimizing yourself here that the world is terrible and you’ve been exploited. Jeez. Grow a brain. Open your eyes.
May 9, 2015 at 8:39 am
Awesome….have been through this myself!!
May 25, 2015 at 6:35 am
Great article! spot on. It is just another addiction and far dangerous since most people consider this as virtue.
June 9, 2015 at 7:13 am
Truly written it .. I crossed the same path whatever you had written… Happy Living….
June 15, 2015 at 2:19 am
Power to u girl… Superbly written !
January 18, 2016 at 11:43 am
alinel Couldn’t agree more! Mountains and life changing epiphanies.. cracks me up.
April 5, 2016 at 12:14 pm
Very inspiring. And beautifully written. I wish more people start thinking like you.
April 5, 2016 at 2:14 pm
Isn’t it nice to be able to afford that luxury, and not have home be your third source of income?
April 7, 2016 at 4:19 am
OMG this is like me telling my story! Haha, even the “major promotion” at 24 is what I was blessed and lucky (but hey, I deserved it!) to have achieved. And at the end of it all, I actually QUIT a coupla months ago. As someone somewhere once said, “job is a job is a job. You can’t go on when said job has begun to affect life”. Amen to that!
Here’s to people like us!
April 7, 2016 at 4:37 am
Did you mean “third DEPENDENCY” or third source of income?! Because hey, the former (dependency) suggests you can’t afford this whereas the latter (source of income) might suggest otherwise….
April 28, 2016 at 9:12 pm
OMG, this was so hilarious and pertinent at the same time. Superb article. I really agree with this. Especially this part – “The work environment we were all operating in – not just as a company but as a country – breeds workaholics.”
April 28, 2016 at 9:13 pm
MeenakshiMadhaviHardikar Exactly! Sad to say that not only people, bosses also think like that, which is harmful to the cause in the long run.
April 28, 2016 at 9:17 pm
Like you said, the sad thing about the work culture which all of us are getting used to is that we are expected to put in long hours if we dont meet a certain criteria. If you are a bachelor and stay close to office, you’re close to finished.
My main issue with this is, why don’t more people stand up? It has to come from the grass-root level – I mean from the freshers who newly join. That culture of getting the f%$$ out of the office after 8-9 hours needs to be cultivated.
September 20, 2016 at 12:30 pm
Amen.
September 21, 2016 at 8:47 pm
“Why did I want to work only 7-8 hours a day? There was no husband or baby waiting for me to come back home and take care of them. This, I believe, is the core of the issue. Who had given anyone permission to decide that matrimony and motherhood are the two noble pursuits that justify a need for work-life balance? ” Very well said!
In my first job, right out of B-school, I was asked this very question by someone because I chose to try and have work life balance, at least on days when the world wasn’t falling apart. I had the same thoughts. I’m glad that I responded saying work life balance isn’t about going home to take care of others. It’s to take care of myself. I might want to read a book, clean up my room or just do nothing. That is what work life balance is.
September 23, 2016 at 9:28 pm
Shall I tell her what a ‘gentleman’s club’ is? ……..Nah…………
September 26, 2016 at 5:36 pm
There are lot of folks who are working long hours and still have a work-life balance and there those who work 8 hours and go home to mind-numbing TV, take-out dinners, and boring conversations (if any). The question is not how many hours you put in, but what you are putting those hours into.
If you are still doing the same thing five days a week, but only for 8 hours, instead of 10 or 12, you will feel better initially. But sooner or later, you maybe confronted with: oh, why do I still feel disillusioned? That’s the classic awakening of the self-actualised soul that happens after you have fulfilled Maslow’s basic needs.
Or maybe your life will magically remain the same (work-life balanced) as you work 8 hours in the same job.