By Aashika Ravi and Namrata Shukla
Recently, it has come to our attention that some men in this country are very upset, nay “shattered” at the fact that Indian society has become “gynocentric.” We must’ve missed the memo because this is brand new information. In their anguish, 150 uncles from all over India performed the “last rites” of marital relations and the corrupt form of feminism in Varanasi on 13 August.
In the spirit of this beautiful life-changing experience, and because a Zoya Akhtar coming-of-age-for-men film hasn’t been released in a while, we thought we’d design an inviting holiday package meant specially for men who are cheesed off with their wives or girlfriends for not being doormats.
Why you should go to Varanasi today
What would you say to an all-expense paid trip to Varanasi, land of ghats (now filthy with feminism)? We call it the Dil Chahta Hai: Manikarnika Ghat Edition. Grab your best buddies and some pooja saamaan (we’ll explain on the way) and let’s go.
Now don’t be put off by the location, it’s actually ideal — feminism is to pop culture Varanasi what political correctness is to Trump. This is the place where Dhanush’s character threatened to cut himself if Sonam Kapoor didn’t immediately fall in love with him in the 2013 film Raanjhanaa and where one of Chetan Bhagat’s carelessly caricatured unambitious Indian girls chooses between two equally poorly fleshed out male protagonists in Revolution 2020. If you don’t immediately remember this book, it was after he started writing screenplays masquerading as novels. Of course, it’s also the headquarters of the Green Gang, a group of women who have teamed up with the police to scare men in their villages and put an end to their gambling and alcoholism.
Fun things to do
If you are feeling incensed with your materialistic spouses who have slapped dowry harassment or cruelty cases against you and your family for kicks, or just want to take a moment to show solidarity with your comrades who have, you can spend this vacation doing a “Pishachini Mukti Pooja” like the uncles from Save Indian Family, the NGO that organised the event. The pishachinis (demons, in case you were wondering what it means), are women that file false cases, feminism in its corrupt form (after reading much of Save Indian Family’s research, I’m still not sure what they think is the right way to go about restoring equality in society), and their marital relations with aforementioned pishachinis.
Anyway, for a truly immersive experience, and to boost your sense of brotherhood, it’s important you do the Pind Daan or last rites for feminism and your marriage on this trip. The 150 men who have cut off ties with their ‘pishachini’ wives and taken their lives into their own hands to be free of the oppression they have faced as men for centuries have already testified about how liberating it feels.
As Partha TR, blogger extraordinaire on men’s rights issues such as gynocentrism (normally defined as a focus on women, but Partha’s definition is still a big mystery to us. Read more here) and maker of masterpieces such as Marriage of Martyrs – A husband’s Moneymoon trip says about the ritual, it is to rid every married man in India of the “corpse of marriage they carry.”
Customize your mardaangi kit
Apart from exorcising your personal pishachinis, other perks include freebies like T-Shirts that say “Men’s rights are human rights”, the first ever Men’s Rights postal stamp and having to pledge NOTA for 2019.
Stay away from potential Pishachinis
As one might fear sunburn on vacation in Australia, you might do well to watch out for any false dowry or rape allegations being slapped on you while in Varanasi. Indeed, one of the main causes these MRAs support is the striking down of Section 498A which deals with cruel treatment of women by their husband or his family. There are plenty of discourses about the misuse of the law, and these have given birth to support groups, Ted Talks and our personal favourite, a Mythbusters type show which ‘debunks’ news, including allegations of semen-filled balloons being thrown on women during Holi and sexual harassment charges levelled by actor Zaira Wasim.
No one is denying that Section 498A may have spawned a few false cases. But the sheer number of women who have been helped by the law, and the number who have the option of availing legal recourse if a social one is not available, tell us how much this law is needed. Shalini Nair, a journalist at The Indian Express explains the misconceptions around the “misuse” of the law.
Someone tell the MRAs crying foul about gender-biased laws, it is the duty of the legislature to ensure that marginalised communities are protected by the law. Simply making a law gender-neutral in a country where men already wield systemic power will only make things worse.
We’d like to ask Save Indian Family, whose first and only line of defense is #NotAllMen, if they’re not doing the exact same thing by generalising all women to be “pishachinis”? I refuse to believe that no one has hit them with the “But not all women…” yet.
Don’t go to court, go to Kashi
So now, if you’re armed with a refusal to understand feminism, a dudebro attitude towards domestic violence and a Messiah Complex to save all men who have been wronged by “gender-biased” laws — you are ready to go forth to this amazing vacation in Varanasi. As Partha TR wisely said, “#PindDaan is the answer for men. Don’t go to courts, go to Kashi.”
While you drive off into paradise (where the reign of the patriarchy is eternal and infallible) with your bros, this is the song that will play during the end credits of Dil Chahta Hai: Manikarnika Ghat Edition —
Dil Chahta hai,
Kabhi na beete patriarchy ke din
Dil chahta hai,
Hum na chahe ye feminism ke din
Din din bhar ho inequality ki baatein
Jhumein shaamein, Domestic violence raat mein
Masti mein kahen femi-nazi hain har jagah,
Humko mansplaining mein yunhi milti rahein khushiyaan
Dil chahta hai
Co-published with Firstpost