By Nandu
Welcome to the Great Halls of Expression. Entry is free for everybody except the oppressed.
What’s that? You are on the receiving end of an injustice? Oh. Madam, you’ll have to wait your turn. And fill out these forms in triplicate.
Here’s a handy 5-step guide to the entire process. Why do you need the instructions, you ask? *sighs* Well, you obviously want to avoid upsetting men when talking about any harassment you claim to have faced. After all, men are fragile beings, and it’s your responsibility as the victim to ensure they feel secure. Remember, you made the choice to speak out, so you need to be accountable for the way you complain. Here’s what to do:
Step 1: Make your victimhood acceptable, sweetie. Please write in bold caps the measures you will take to be gentle in expression.
Step 2: Now, ensure you don’t come across as deriving any benefit from your victimhood. Do write down how you’ll erase that potential, dear. Also add (in field 7, Section B) details that show you were not asking for it. You have the proof for this ready, I’m sure? Two photocopies, please.
Step 3: … No, no. Please leave that “How I Feel” field empty, sweetheart. We get to decide whether you are offended. Not you. That’s a misprint, really. Here, let me correct it for you.
*strikes out “I Feel” and fills in “You Are Allowed to Feel”*
There you go!
As I was saying before you rudely interrupted me, the third step is to broadcast your humility and pepper your complaint with apologies.
Step 4: Note that tone is important. The main thing is to seem unsure. See, any impression you give of confidence WILL be mistaken for arrogance. After all, it is a request that your voice be taken seriously, sweetie. Remember that your audience is doing you a favour. And it’s all for your protection. Be grateful. 🙂
Step 5: Right. Now please sign here, right below the disclaimer that your complaint is only about one man from one place at one moment in one life in one version of the known universe. Done? Great!
Oh, never mind the small print, dear. It’s just the standard mandatory declaration that women harass women too.
Thank you, sweetheart. I’ll take this form, and we’re done here. Oh, wait, I’ll need one passport photograph, please. Just a formality, you know. We need the photo to determine whether you are doing this for attention and also to decide whether you are worthy of our time.
That’s it! We’re done. 🙂 You can pass through the gates now. Once inside, take the narrow path to the orientation hall on your right. A group of men will be waiting there for you. They will take you through a training session on what constitutes an appropriate response to the situation you have complained about.
I hope you enjoyed our service, dear! 🙂 We look forward to seeing you back here soon!
Psst. I’m saying this for your own good, as a well-wisher who cares deeply for your welfare: Do make sure you behave in the meantime lest your loose life provide incentive for more harassment. Be safe by being responsible, if you know what I mean. I assure you that I personally would never hurt any woman! Nor would I judge her.
But, after all, boys will be boys, right? *wink*
Nandu is @nandu on Twitter.