One boring day in 2004, a young blogger – let’s call her Alice – saw someone post a link to a quiz. ‘What’s Your Dating Personality?’ it said, and our young friend decided this was as good a cure as any for her boredom, and clicked on the link. Little did she know she was off down the rabbit hole. The blogger was me, and the link took me to what is today the famous free online dating website OKCupid, where I’ve had many adventures in the ten years I’ve been on it.
Whenever someone asks me about OKC, as we in the know like to call it, I don’t know how to describe it. I got in by accident, only realizing it was a dating site, as opposed to a fun website filled with quirky quizzes (though that first quiz should have tipped me off), when a gent sent me my first message on the website:
Hi
[I’m a] not-so-idiot male
You may not be all that bored weeks from now
Wot [say]?
Once I got over my shock at it being a dating website, I replied in the same vein and, though much charming conversation was had, nothing came of my interactions with that particular gent. As the years have gone by and I look back on all the messages I have received, I find I must take a moment to appreciate what was sadly the best message – it hit all the points: short, intriguing, snarky – I have ever gotten on OKC. Yup, it really was all downhill from there. And the saddest part about the stupid, inane, hysterical, enigmatic and just plain random messages I get is that I can never reply. Because really, rule #1. Do. Not. Reply. Unless you’re interested. Even then, think about it for a week. Come back and reread the message. Do it again. Then reply. But I digress.
Let’s start with the ubiquitous and really most annoying message of all.
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Yes, really, that – not dirty sexual innuendo (at least that’s funny) – is the most common message I get on that website. Ok, to be fair there are variations: ‘hru’, ‘Hi’ and ‘hai’ come to mind. To these gents I say, sorry boss, I can’t even imagine how to reply to you.
The next category is what I like to call the professional message. No, not “I’m a sex worker” (though I have gotten one of those: “Do you wish to get a haha from a opposite sex healthcare worker/??????”), but gents who feel the need to announce their professions. Then I want to write them letters like this:
Your profile is empty and apparently the only thing about yourself you think is interesting is that you work for an MNC? tut tut. kids today…
Dear K*****
How exactly did you “finish your work ex”? Did you bury her in the backyard? Did you go all the way? Is that why you had to leave the UK and come back to India? What about a play ex? Do you have one or is it all work and no play? Which would explain why you’re a dull boy…
Dear R******
So you’re a banker huh? Do I even need to know anything more about you? Perish the thought. I am touched by your enthusiasm, but sadly, I don’t “like to be frndly with a younger guy”. As for starting “a good conversation”, I cannot believe any conversation between us would be anything other than good.
Hello software engineer.
No, ‘v’ cannot ‘b’ friends. Why, you ask? Because true to my nature, and my profile, don’t write to me if you can’t spell two letter words.
I could go on. A very long time. So let’s just skip to category number three, shall we? This one consists of people who are scared of offending me.
Dear Submissive
No, you haven’t offended me. Do you think it is offensive for a woman to be dominant? Wow your head must hurt when you’re horny! I just don’t quite understand how “conversing with you” would be of much use to you. Or did you mean for me to yell while you said yes mistress?
Dear Gent-who-has-been-ignored-once-already.
No, it’s not “tooo direct”, but sadly you are “wasting your time”. Yes I would like to go for a round of drinks, but not with you. Sorry. “Sorry if it offended you!”
Category number four is that old desi standard, the fraaandship guys.
i dn’t mind if u r overwt. but just wnt to do friendship wid u ….will u do ?
Sadly, I mind that you’re an asshole. You most certainly will not do.
i wanna be ur frnd….u seem 2 be a nice girl….I want 2 be ur frnd forevr nd evr….plz reply…..I hve read ur profile nd u r of my type…nd I like 2 make new frnds:))))….plz reply once…I wanna be ur genuine frnd..plz u wl nevr feel dat u hve made a bad choice of my frndshp
Dear Twenty-year-old
Rule #1, don’t send the same message twice to the same girl, within the space of an hour. Sloppy sloppy. I can’t help but already feel that you are a bad choice, largely because your message is making my brain hurt. Has no one taught you about vowels? They aren’t rationed; I urge you to use them.
Why, oh why, are you all obsessed with the word dear? I am not your dear. Moving on, let us look at outrageous ones. There’s a certain guy who has been sending the same message to women all across OKC (well I’m assuming) every four months, from a different ID.
Dear R****
You’ve been messaging me for four years now. I’m touched by your persistence. Are you one of those sex with bleeding women guys? Or are you a slasher? Why else would you open with “gimme RED”? Also, I’m wildly curious, exactly where are you hugging and kissing me? Because I can’t think of a single place you could do both and still make it sexually suggestive. I promise you, when you say “you know where” you’re wrong. I don’t. I do, however, know where the strong, confident women are – they’re staying the fuck away from “crowd-pleaser” “good-time guy” “wild child” “Fun Machines” who “do it first, think about it later…” You should know though, that we’re highly incompatible – the idea that, after a date, “we wake up even hornier than when we fell asleep” is scary as fuck. I prefer to be sated after my dates, not feeling worse than when I started. You might want to think about “changing your life” or you’re just going to continue masturbating when you “dial up the volume on your leisure time”. You’re right about one thing though. When you “promise to send [me] home with a smile on [my] face” if I contact you, you will definitely succeed, because dear me, how ridiculous you must be in real life, extrapolating from this message!
I want, at this point, to take a second to comment on IDs. This guy has gone through a vast number of IDs, and yet managed to avoid the standard insertions – for some reason half the IDs I encounter on OKC incorporate the words taco, tron, maverick or inabox. Anyway, let us now turn to what we’ve all been waiting for, the ‘risqué’ messages. The first two deserve reproduction in all their glory. I simply cannot do justice to them in a reply.
Being just a little upfront..Looking for a company and gud budy as well too 😉 Benefits yes will definitely be there if you want..and Tauntrants are welcome too;) Lemme know your take by just a Simple Yes or No. Have a Gud day 🙂
Hi there
Props for being upfront. But what is a budy? Do you mean body? I’m not sure how I could give you one. Maybe you mean buddy, though I can’t really say for sure considering the rest of your er spelling. For example, what is a Tauntrant? Tantrum? Taunter? Truant? My take will have to be No, because well, I can hardly say yes when I have no idea what you’re talking about, can I?
Hi I always wanted to be friend with someone over 28 , milfs what wee call them . I hope we can become friends to start off with 🙂
Err… do you even know what MILF stands for? Haaaaaave you met Google?
Dear ****monstercock
You must really be “well bred” if your cock is a monster. Is there like a breeding program? A farm? But putting it in your ID is really not very well-bred hm? Sadly your inability to spell (and read apparently since I’m assuming you saw my profile) mean you don’t “mk sense to” me, and you will not “hear [me] bk”.
Dear Rhymer
Well go on, make up your mind. Which am I? “Linguistic lady” (I can’t believe you forgot to put cunning there), or “titty witty sweety”? Clearly “heavy and interesting words” are not your forte. What do you mean “also love wordplay”? Do you think you love wordplay? Allow me to assure you that inventing words to make meaningless rhymes does not count as wordplay.
There are sad emails too, like the married men who want ‘decent friendship’ and ask for women who are ‘discreet’. There was one guy who was very entertaining but refused to give me his surname. And then there are the confused, earnest ones.
Dear “fun, layed back guy”,
It’s refreshing to have a “good listener” in the flood of “genuine person[s]” who write to me on this site every day. But what do you want from the site? Are you a “kinda shy” “great friend” who “will always be there for [me]” or a “somewhat romantic” chap doing chance pe dance? Though, as you yourself admit, you can’t sing or dance. Maybe don’t try then? I can’t help but feel you’re looking for a lay but you’re unwilling to commit, so you keep running back to “of nothing else I would love to make friends”. All told I do think it will indeed be “awkward, and strange” because I might think we’re hanging out platonically while you don’t. You see the importance of being clear?
And, just to round it off, some really random ones, from brash to bizarre.
Hello dear!:)
JUST talk to me once mam!
Pls
Dear Honest loyal intelligent virgin guy,
If you neither drink nor smoke no illegal activities,
I’m sorry but you really have the wrong girl.
Hey ..I need your opinion.. which one is better.. domino’s or pizza hut??
Domino’s any day.
Ok I just threw that last one in because it made me laugh. There’s a random attempt that might have paid off. I thought at first that I could end on a note of hope and lay out some good emails, but looking back I realize that most of the time, the guys who turn out to be good, for dates or friendship, are guys I wrote to first. And let me tell you, for all the myths about it being a woman’s market, I get maybe a 10% response rate. Still, here are some not imaginary letters to OKC boys.
i WOULD like to get to know you. but unless skype in bars works i don’t see how it can happen over a beverage!
you seem like fun. there’s even alcohol in your profile picture! and many props for the self-summary. i might steal it, suitably edited.
would you like to chat?
hi you’re in my quiver, and i definitely meet your requirements =D though sometimes, when i’m tired of being human, i’m a cat.
ok two things:
- your profile is in bullet points! hee.
- i am way cooler than a penguin, i am THE COOLEST PENGUIN in India right now.
hee.
so i know youre in SFO and all and honestly, i just wrote cos your profile made me laugh and its always nice to hear that even from 15000 miles away =)
And some of them have worked very well!
Alice is a 32-year-old woman who’s been in the brave new world of straight single women in the dating bathtub of Delhi for going on four years. Pity her.