By Nisha Susan
Befikre, starring Ranveer Singh and Vaani Kapoor, has quite a bit of kissing in its promos. The Censor Board might stand in their way when it comes to kissing in the film itself: according to “sources” quoted by DNA, the Board is apprehensive about how several kisses could “possibly be given a go-ahead” when earlier instances of kissing in other films have been trimmed or, at times, cut out. But perhaps the film might find an altogether unexpected champion in Censor Board chief Pahlaj Nihalani, who told DNA, “They have to be seen within the film’s context. As far as I know, Befikre is set in Paris, the city of love where public affection is normal.”
This is entirely unexpected from the head of a board that has in the past blurred out bras, mild cussing, a reference to having an “Indian figure”, and stopped the Indian release of the very watery 50 Shades of Grey.
Is this the beginning of a Softer, Gentler Pahlaj? Is it that a cure has finally been found for dyspepsia? We don’t know, but Nihalani’s new context-loving global yardstick excited us tremendously. Might the censor allow films that portray activities that are location-appropriate?
Join Raj and Simran’s sexual adventures as they travel the world according to Pahlaj Nihalani.
Japan
In Japan, Raj and Simran would explore Shibari, the Japanese art of rope bondage, where the ropes are so beautiful that the bonds are irrelevant. They will also watch a little tentacle porn and get a little excited by a sharp katana or two, all the while trying not to look and sound like a much reviled ‘weeboo’, someone who has confused Japanese anime with Japanese culture.
Brazil
In Rio, Raj and Simran will try to figure whether a Latin lover requires any Latin. Perhaps learning to say ‘Peccavi’ (I have sinned) is enough Latin for any rambunctious couple who have full intentions of learning to samba on the beach with a mental soundtrack of ‘Senorita‘ from Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara (that was flamenco in Spain but sab ek hi hai). They will get Brazilian waxes and Raj will buy a thong. In Rio, having learnt from Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, Raj and Simran will not smash up the city and claim to have been mugged and want their mummies to buy them new wallets.
Britain
In UK, aka Britain aka London which has always, always been Raj and Simran’s real and natural home, they will maintain a stiff upper lip while having a shag or two. Raj will think of all the compulsorily blonde Brit back-up dancers he is sure are waiting to throw themselves at him. Simran will not expect an orgasm. She will lie back and think of Brexit.
South Africa
In South Africa, Raj and Simran will go off sex altogether because they are so scared of Zulu dancers wearing feathered headdresses which is what all 53 million South Africans are.
Australia
Raj and Simran will go down under on the roof of the Sydney Opera House.
Dubai
They will do it while wadi-bashing in an all-terrain vehicle and while being Islamophobic on the escalator of a mall.
Poland
In Poland, Raj and Simran will avoid Imtiaz Ali.
Thailand
In Thailand, which consists of two places, Bangkok and Phuket, Raj and Simran will do it in a speedboat and do it with ping-pong balls. They will also laugh at people who offer them a happy ending because waise what other kind of ending is there. Because they are really not Ek Duje Ke Liye.
Switzerland
In Switzerland Raj and Simran will do nothing because it’s a neutral country.
Italy
In the actual Italy (which is very similar to Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s Hungary) Raj will feel at home with men who love their mothers. He will try to feel jaunty on a scooter which he didn’t ride even he was 18 and he had no other mode of transport. Riding the Vespa while in possession of a newly shaved chest will give Raj a cold. Simran will also catch a cold after wading into all the fountains, trilling out, “Raj! Come here. Hurry up!” This way they can be together as lovers tend to do. Raj may try to tell her that none of those fountains were the Trevi, but they both know ki sab ek hi hai.