By Tanya Vasundharan
My best friend recently bought herself a ‘Passion Planner’. It’s a diary that lets you divide up vague plans into concrete short and long-term goals, and organise your time around them. In theory, it sounds good, and may help you avoid the problem Pink Floyd describes: “Plans that either come to naught, or half a page of scribbled lines…” The only aspect that annoyed me is that it’s marketed as a ‘24/7 life coach’, the main objective being to ‘declutter your mind’.
In this marketing strategy, there is a preconceived notion that everyone must necessarily want their lives to revolve around themselves, and be arranged in a neat, uncomplicated arc towards a certain kind of self-improvement. This ‘one-size-fits-all’ formula, which guides you towards success of some form or the other, echoes exactly the narratives of most self-help books. Canadian-based comedian and vlogger Lilly Singh’s brand new manual How to Be a Bawse: A Guide to Conquering Life is certainly not the only one guilty of it. But Singh’s version is particularly grating.
Singh (also known by her alias, Superwoman) became the highest-paid YouTube sensation with over 9 million fans last year, and her online campaign GirlLove, which talked about breaking the cycle of viciousness by women against other women, went viral. Her hilarious sketches have had many of us in splits—particularly the one in which she, along with Jane the Virgin star Gina Rodriguez, does some intense code and dress switching while attending a bachelorette party and a business meeting simultaneously. You might remember first seeing her in the still-perfect Shit Punjabi Mothers Say. Singh seems delightful all-round.
So what went wrong with her book?
For starters, several of its passages are trite. Like Archies card-level inane. Here’s how she recommends you get over your ex: “You know who isn’t right for you? The person who is everything you love about your ex, except for the part that hurt you.” “Don’t just tell your girlfriend you’re loyal; be loyal… Talk is cheap, so leave it at the thrift store” goes another axiom, and the combination of stating the obvious along with the high-handedness of the tone is an instant put-off. The book is disingenuous too, because it denies that it will have cute, inspirational quotes (certainly, that isn’t Singh’s style in her videos at all) but these are littered throughout the book.
And to make it worse, a lot of the snappy quotes in the book assume that you, the reader, will only understand the complex points if she talks shop: “Think of discomfort as currency – It’s the price you pay to learn some pretty crucial things.” Singh is also fond of using hollow analogies that, once again, reiterate the self-help book ideology that life is a game and you have got to be a winner, or else: “Videogames are a great analogy for life. You go through levels, get thrown off by obstacles, and face several enemies. The game will become harder and harder, but it’s okay because you become smarter, faster, and more skilled. When playing a videogame, you control a character by making it jump, run, duck, and attack.”
Self-help books don’t all have to be this way. Another new book, Why Won’t You Apologise: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts, by feminist psychologist Harriet Lerner, which focusses on handling apologies and betrayals, doesn’t categorise itself as self-help per se, but it does address how women in particular could navigate through self-blame or a tendency to become defensive—in short, how you can actually feel like a ‘bawse’.
Lerner uses extensive examples from her time as a therapist to address why people find it difficult to apologise first, which include everything from ego and shame to cultural differences, and the assumption that apologies create social distance. Particularly compelling, and useful, is a section where Lerner unearths the reasons why a mother and daughter blew up at each other after a Christmas dinner, and why feelings of abandonment and rage can suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, cause a relationship to implode. In this bit, Lerner talks about how to avoid a ‘faux-apology’, where you portray the other person’s negative reaction to your mistake as the real problem, because you can’t bear the accusation that you’re responsible for a relative’s suffering.
Perhaps, the most irritating thing about Singh’s book is the way she deals with complicated situations like suffering. For instance, she refers incessantly to her period of ‘depression’ in little boxed sections called ‘Out of Blue’, where she compares her past lows to later moments of dazzling success: “I could have let my depression take me down a path that led me nowhere. But instead I decided to get my hands dirty with some Play-Doh and create something new”.
Good for her, but that trajectory to a ‘post-depression’ existence does not ‘justify why you should take advice from me’. Because what Singh does is spell out genuine recipes for depression, like “have fewer emotions” unless you’re at a wedding, a funeral, or a kid’s graduation—because emotions are messy, and nobody needs a tantrum during work hours. Bawl your eyes out at home, but be a no-nonsense ‘bawse’ at work. In reality, struggling with mental health is a journey through a darker labyrinth, which may not have a shiny light at the end of the tunnel.
I remember a phase during which I believed that the stoic approach was the best way forward too. Stiff-upper-lip, and don’t-bring-life-into-business is how I attempted to deal with a difficult downward spiral, where I was coping with my father’s onset into bipolar disorder. Needless to say the attempts to separate my two worlds—‘work’ and ‘life—collapsed quickly, and it wasn’t a self-help book, but the wise words of an older person, to make me realise that it was okay to be wildly and uncontrollably sad.
Uncontrollable is the key word here. The fact that people may be embroiled in bizarre difficult situations where they simply don’t have the time, energy or enthusiasm to focus on success, appears to elude Singh completely. Which is why she keeps pushing you to live your best life and prioritise things that might seem very alien to most people: “Don’t just aim to pay your bills; save enough to travel. I don’t want you to write a script just to see a movie get made, I want you to win an Oscar”.
Some of what Singh articulates makes perfect sense. She calls out our generation for yakking about their resolutions on social media, and warns that the addiction to announcing your every achievement online could mean that much of this doesn’t get translated into real action. A book by a hit entertainer is an obvious cash cow so perhaps no one cared too much that her book would be not useful. Shouldn’t they have cared that her book would end up boring? In her own words, she’s not as effective when ‘talk[ing] the talk’ instead of ‘walk[ing] the walk’. The book ends up being narcissistic and dull, while serving as a reminder that we are all suckers for the celebrity advice book.
If you want to feel amused, entertained and even a little touched, you should find Lilly online. If you’re itching to browse through a self-help book, I would recommend one like Lerner’s, which calmly examines a particular phenomenon through several real-life examples, rather than pushing you to be someone else’s version of a ‘bawse’.
Co-published with Firstpost.
March 30, 2017 at 9:02 pm
Well it’s in your opinion.. If you didn’t enjoy a book which helps you get through life in the simplest and funniest way possible, I don’t know what else you will enjoy
March 31, 2017 at 3:40 am
I believe Lilly’s book is perfect for her fans… who know the usual content she gives. How to be a Bawse is actually a fun guide to help someone through a hard time in life. While it’s content may not be appealing to some… I think it’s full of what her fans are used to and enjoy.
March 31, 2017 at 4:47 am
What the heck? These people are just haters. Lilly and her book are both awesome and there isn’t a single thing that’s wrong with both of those two. Instead of writing something good about it, they wasted their time writing this trash. Superwoman had like 11,000,000 subscribers and I bet this site can’t even get 1 in a decade. While Lilly makes funny positive videos, these people make negative and stupid articles.
March 31, 2017 at 8:13 am
I haven’t read the book, but I have seen a lot of Lilly’s videos and they’re great. I know not everyone will like her videos or her book, but it’s a bit harsh to say that “no one would care whether or not her book was useful” because anyone can tell how much effort she’s put into it. If she didn’t care, then she would’ve quit a long time ago and nobody would be inspired to watch her.
March 31, 2017 at 8:45 am
You seem like a really negative person.
She’s funny, upbeat, and positive. You appear to have heaps to work through if you have this much time to criticise an attempt by a young woman to create the world she dreams to see, also in and around that, she tries to make time to give back.
Doesn’t matter if you like it, what matters is that she worked on herself and created something from nothing. That in its self is a great achievement. Whereas you took something someone else created and spent what I suspect was a considerable amount of time to tear it apart. What does that say about you?
March 31, 2017 at 10:29 am
To say this book is a cash cow is a stretch. If you care enough to look at her daily vlogs and hours she spent writing the book you would know how much she cares about the product. You don’t necessarily have to agree with her methods of coping with issues but acknowledge her hard work. The book by Lerner was helpful for you but Lilly’s book is helpful for someone else. People relate to things differently.
March 31, 2017 at 1:58 pm
I agree that everyone has their own opinion, likes and dislikes but you cannot just say that the book is “irritating ” just because you did not like it. Lilly is a positive unicorn and she worked extremely hard for this book and is now on tour. In this article, it is said that in her book the word “Uncontrollable has been used. its her wish if she wants to use this word, be it one time or a million times. A s a Superwoman fan, I think that her book is great and also very helpful. and you cant just say that the quotes in her book are lame and stupid. every thing has a purpose, even her book.
And it is also said in this article that in the book she has mentioned many times about her depression. this is because this book is about her life experiences and what she learnt from those experiences and give us better advise. she has mentioned about her depression period just because she wants people to know that depression is a very bad thing and you should overcome it.
she even said that in this book she is not talking or writing as superwoman. in this book she is Lilly.
Like she always says ” i love team super” and me, im proud to be a part of it.
March 31, 2017 at 7:57 pm
It’s for people like you, why Lilly created #Girllove campaign! She’s telling her story, and the things she learnt from it. And it’s a brave endeavour because it actually helps people; who can maybe think out of the box for a solution. Learn to appreciate other people’s struggle. You don’t have to love someone to do it; you have to just be human.
March 31, 2017 at 8:24 pm
Her book is not “narcissistic and dull” and it is definitely not all the other negative things that you have called it. It is the hard work and dedication of a (super) woman for a year and I think that it turned out to be amazing and positive just like the person Lilly is. So, dear writer of this article, stop hating and spreading negativity about the book because the book is pretty good!
March 31, 2017 at 9:20 pm
Lilly’s book does not have to appeal to everyone, and not all will like it. However, for the younger generation who may not know how to handle their emotions, because this is not something we’re taught in school, it may help better rather than talking with a counselor or parent. It is quite distasteful how much negativity spewed out from this post, moreover how the author compared this book to another, but such is life. We will be endless comparisons with others, and it will be up to us to make a change if we feel one is needed.
I felt it was necessary to leave a comment here because of the reasons stated above. Moreover, I would like to thank the author for taking time to maybe read the book, or at least graze through it, and give the honest truth that they felt about it. Thank you, author, I appreciate you.
I look forward to reading this book with an open mind and heart.
April 1, 2017 at 12:19 am
Her content is recycled ‘Superwoman’ jargon, so I’m hardly surprised that it turned out how it did. Also, author ignore most of these comments, theure mindless fans who see only the sweet goodness of Lilly and take every bit of constructive criticism as a personal offence -.-
April 1, 2017 at 1:26 pm
I follow Lilly in her daily vlogs and as well as her main channel. And this article reminded me of a particular video she made which got so much of hate comments recently, it was a video about how she deals with people when she is ‘hangry’. If you, Tanya watch it, I am pretty sure you would come up with something like this is a derogatory way to deal with people stuff. I have seen her daily vlogs and I know how much of a hard work and passion she has put it in. Sure, she has her marketing strategies. Those are the strategies that have quintessentially put her on top of her game. She has fought with depression like many of us, and she often struggles with it even now(as mentioned in her vlogs). Despite loving her, even I couldn’t connect to all the positivity in the book cause of my personal mental situation. But that doesn’t give me the authority to discard her book saying there’s nothing ‘superwoman’ about it. It’s her personal approach and I am pretty sure it will help a million to bring that tinge bit of positivity in a sea of negative remarks floating around everywhere you cast your eye. Her approach claims to be a toughie and yet she uses ‘Tumblr’ish quotes at time. Is that what you meant? Well, there are some general rules she has summed up and has made sure to put in a highlighted manner, so that it can pierce that thick brain of yours. So take a step back and rethink that if a’self help book’ isn’t helping you, may be it’s time to put your thoughts in perspective to help yourself first.
April 1, 2017 at 8:50 pm
As an adult, and a writer, I believe your opinion of the book is pretty misguided. It seems you have forgotten to consider her audience at all. I have followed her online since 2012. I realize I am not her target audience, but I still enjoy and find value in how she is able to articulate her messages of encouragement to those young ladies growing up less than ideal emotional situations. I think her message and this book speak to them exactly how it needs to so that they are empowered to move beyond and to become the strongest version of themselves.
April 2, 2017 at 11:05 am
I’m on the fence about Lilly Singh.
On one hand, she is witty, charming, and endearingly uplifting. She’s observant and even insightful in her humor.
However when she moves into self-reflection territory, she displays a tendency to eulogize herself and her journey to a point where she loses the authentic voice that characterizes her humor. Her advice while well-intentioned veers too far into Land of Preach.
This may just be an American thing (I know she’s Canadian, but she appears heavily influenced by American culture). Many young American celebrities do tend to be very vocal about the idea of being “role models” for their generation, whereas you see no such self-importance in European artists, for example.
The preachy homilies also seem to be an extension of something you’d hear at a church in America. Very black or white, good v/s evil, keep fighting the good fight sort of talk that may stir up some emotion and inspiration from time to time, but lacks nuance and true empathy.
It’s all very well for celebrities to talk about their journey. But whatever happened to role-modeling by example, rather than self-aggrandizing preachery?
April 4, 2017 at 1:47 am
Her videos are often hilarious. But one thing that did turn me off was her reductionist presentation of mental health.. especially because the linkages between comedy and mental health do exist. She said in some interview that she was depressed but then started making videos and that made her feel better and the rest is history. I know and from others I know that that is not how depression works… I haven’t read her book but if it speaks to people then great. I appreciated reading this critique because in the context of North America where feminism is becoming celebrity spearheaded and centered mainly on the declarations of making individualist choices, a shake up is needed.
December 25, 2017 at 7:20 pm
Thank you, Tanya, for having the courage to write such an honest and hard hitting review that considers the flaws of the book objectively.
As a psychologist, I found the book’s treatment of mental illness trite and dangerous.
Not everyone can “snap out of it” and shut down their emotions. Because your emotions are valid and you deserve to feel them.
Reading this book might be a feel good journey for her fans. But anyone who tries to apply the book’s platitudes to read life would find out that they’re not very useful in practice.