The week ahead beckons,
and we need to be ready for it to feel right.
For our specially feminist horoscopes, our resident tarot reader Madam Zeenat reads the Next World Tarot deck, which envisions a world where justice relies on respect and revolutionary love. And this week, the tarot images are by Katina Rose.
April 23-29, 2018
This week, Madam Zeenat draws the Knight of Pentacles, the Kameena of Wands, Death, one minute dance parties, the ice bucket challenge with Fawad Khan and more!
Mar 21-Apr 20
Sheepu beta, last week you ran into a Mercury Retrograde storm and this week, you’re going to be hosting Mars in your home, and Mars is definitely not going anywhere till the end of May. Mars in Aries bole toh dil aur dinero ka double danger. Niyat kharaab honay mein time nahin lagega.
While this is going to be a thing with you for a few weeks, this week’s scene is different. The sudden shift is going to feel like doing the ice bucket challenge right before you’re tossed into a room with Fawad Khan, in his birthday suit, handcuffed to a chair and with pheromones sprayed all over him.
Meanwhile, The 6 Of Wands asks you to take a breath. Don’t just jump into action because you’ve been thrown into a situation. Seek out the best of the situation first. Like maybe say, Hi Fawad. Appreciate his abs. Ask him if he wants to be untied.
At work, look for what is working in your project — the people, the parts. Focus on those first. Build mutual trust. You can work towards fixing the rest next week onwards. In life and relationships, remember those who have been the kindest to you and try and catch up with them.
Apr 21 – May 21
Bull-u, with the sun entering your sign, this week is the beginning of your special month. With Venus entering Gemini, you’re also going on a joyride in matters of love and money. All love and money related matters will expose a raw nerve, mostly because Gemini will ensure that you won’t be able to make your mind up about anything.
The 6 Of Pentacles, the giver, is quite the friend, philosopher and guide to have with you when dealing with complex matters of love and money. It asks you to rise above and look at everything from oopar, oopar se. Pyaar, mohabbat, paise, property yeh sab gaand ki khujliyaan hain, aam toh bas yeh khaas phal hai, baaki sab gutliyaan hain.
Toh share this pal with all your pals and don’t make anything you do this week about money. Also, stop wondering if your friends, lovers and family love you enough. Just give them all the love you can. Even the sun in your sign will help!
In scenarios where you need to take a side and Gemini is dangling options which are contrary to your inner protective nature, just pick a side with the least amount of power in that scenario.
May 22 – June 21
Twintu yaar, yeh Venus entering Gemini naa, is going to break you. She’s going to seduce you into a hall of mirrors where every mirror is going to be a different insecurity you have about people exploiting you for your love and/or your money. Venus in Gemini also means you’ll be good at expressing what you feel.
Toh only for you today, special offer, Madam Zeenat prastut karti hai, The King Of Wands! He is the fire on Hanuman’s tail — single-minded about setting fire to the kingdom of insecurities and then finding enlightenment in the light of the fire. Use him, build bridges of communication.
The King Of Wands is also known as The Kameena Of Wands in the dimension where insecurities come from. He is known to encourage doing ungli to your insecurities. Kabhi kabhi restraint mein bhi enlightenment hota hai. If you argue with insecurities, they win.
In relationships, you might feel very, very needy. Relax. Talk to someone other than the person you need validation from. At work, don’t let others bully you into thinking you’re not good enough. But at the same time, don’t try to bite off more than you can chew. (Yeah, you’re a Gemini, sometimes you’ll receive two seemingly opposite pieces of advice.)
June 22 – July 22
Aadha hai chandrama, raat aadhee, reh naa jaaye teri meri baat aadhee, Kekdu, mulaqat aadhee! Toh this week, don’t leave anything that’s hurting you unsaid! Sab bol daal! Don’t just hide inside your shell.
The World is here to tell you that this is the week to get naked. Seriously, get rid of this shell and armour and just say and show everything you feel. Don’t be afraid. You don’t need to exaggerate your fight to get the support and love you need. That’s going to not let you heal.
Focus on this selfish need to lose all your inhibitions about sharing your feelings and desires this week. Nothing really important is going to happen at work this week. Whatever’s working will keep working. You can even put your relationships in the same box. If you do nothing this week, nothing will happen in the world outside you.
But the truer you are to yourself, the better you and everyone around you is going to feel for this week and some more weeks to come. You’ll really come out of this week a stronger person, with an ability to break the prison of traumatic and shitty relationships. Unless you know, you don’t come out of your shell.
July 23 — Aug 23
Sheruji, this week, remember, you are a sher, not a bael. It’s going to be difficult with your governess, the sun, chilling in Taurus. Matlab just because the herd has decided to go stampeding doesn’t mean you also have to. Lions don’t attack in herds. You can just finish your homework (which we promise you’ll have a lot of).
You will also be prone to feeling overly protective of your people. But they’re grown-ass adults, don’t insult them. If you feel they’re susceptible to something or someone, talk to them. The 3 Of Wands is here to remind you of what needs to be investigated. The nuances of truth change the truth itself.
Your work life will demand dedication and diligence from you this week. Put your head down, with earphones on and put your favourite music on and karate chop your way through the mountain of work on your desk.
Relationships are going to challenge you this week. Like you didn’t even know you were into that kinda challenges will be thrown at you from friends, family and lovers. Don’t be a chicken. Dive into them and you’ll come out knowing yourself better.
Aug 24 – Sept 22
Kanyakumari, aapke ghar ki murgi yaniki Mercury is going to stop retrograding as this week begins. You know that American TV/movie trope where when everyone thinks they’re about to die in a storm, they start spilling secrets and when the storm goes away, everyone regrets or denies the secret spilling? So, wait for it. And don’t fall for the paranoia. Else you’ll pollute this Newer, Cleaner You faster than you can say oil spill.
Whatever you said under the effect of the storm is also your truth. Don’t run away from it. We know, we know, it shatters this carefully constructed self-image of yours. So, what? The Knight Of Pentacles is here to remind you that the chaos is over and you’re safely back on the ground.
Relax a little. Write about the vulnerability that you exposed when the storm was wreaking havoc in your life in your journal. If it’s a personal relationship you’re worried about, then relax. You and your partner need to find some time and go for a picnic, a hike, be outdoors with nature.
Also, try and avoid substances this week. The Knight Of Pentacles is against illusions of security. She wants you to, literally, be high on life (shudder).
Sept 23 – Oct 23
The Association of Idiots decided to prove they’re not idiots so they held a poetry competition. A journalist decided to cover the event. When he arrived at the venue, an idiot was on stage reciting his poem, “Kutte pe kutta.” The idiot audience applauded. “Kutte pe kutte pe kutta!” The idiot audience whistled. “Kutte pe kutte pe kutte pe kutta!” The idiot audience ripped off their shirts, tossed their bras on stage. Puzzled, the journalist asked one of the idiots, “How is that poetry?” The idiot replied, “Poetry chhod, balance dekh balance!”
Tarajuku Girls, this is the week your heart desires. Romance is in the air and with your governing planet Venus in Gemini, all we can say is, Poetry chhod, balance dekh balance! Poetry is a tool of seduction. With The 2 Of Wands by your side and Venus making your relationships makkhan this week, you’re going to be able to establish dil se dil ka connection by just being yourself.
In your work life, if you’ve run into a problem, The 2 Of Wands asks you to meditate on your biggest success, your worst failure and the skill you are best at. Seriously, this trick is really magic.
Oct 24 – Nov 22
Come here, give aunty Zeenat a hug. Kitna roye? You’ve had a battlefield of a week, haven’t you? The 3 Of Swords must’ve exposed you to you like you may have not met in a while. Hope so ki you’ve managed to heal some wounds and slay some demons. But you still aren’t feeling any lighter, are you? It’s because on cue, your governing planet Pluto has gone retrograde in Capricorn.
Your mind is cloudy and your heart unsure. It’s alright. Only in fantasies do protagonists slay dragons and then break into a song and dance. In reality, we go through a healing process before we start trusting ourselves enough to let our hair down.
The 7 Of Pentacles is going to help you go through your past and find the good that you’ve done and the good that’s happened to you and use that positivity to feel better. At work, don’t be desaturated by failure or grunt work. Think of the wins, keep your head down and keep working.
In relationships, let yourself be overwhelmed by your memories and emotions. Tell stories to your partners about the good times in your life. Use some of that warmth from the past to make your today cosier.
Nov 23 – Dec 21
With your ruling planet Jupiter in Scorpio, Dhanu beta, looks like you’re about to go after a rather big life goal rather single-mindedly. Thing is that you’ve been preparing for this week for a long time now. You have the plan, the resources, the knowledge that are needed for you to go through with it.
So, if everything is going well, why haven’t we concocted an elaborate metaphor for the blast that you’re about to have this week? Cue: Jarring suspense music. Somebody is going to betray you. Well, not necessarily some person, it could just as well be a thing like your laptop or perhaps the weather. The 7 Of Wands is here to protect your interests.
She can’t control the weather or anything but can definitely help you seek out alternative solutions or just help you stay calm in the face of a plot twist. At work, she will ensure your colleagues put in their best effort to help you in case of a jam.
Relationships are your wild card this week. From the most passionate kiss you have ever had under the starriest sky you’ve ever seen. To turning everything into a flaming pile of garbage. Pay more attention to the tone in which your partners talk to you.
Dec 22 – Jan 20
Bakarmachh, you like to take your time swimming around in your feelings, getting acclimated with them before making any move. Lekin with Mars thrusting its hips in your home, this week is going to feel like the flight of an orca in slow motion. Such majestic creatures these orcas. Like did you know that they are “highly social”? And their matrilineal family groups are the most stable of any animal species. #AnimismFeminism
You’ve drawn Death. And while she’s pretty, she also wants you to stop being or feeling manipulated. So you know, all those feelings that you’ve been quietly pondering over? (Yeah, what?) There’s a good chance that you were right. (Don’t tell me!) Whether it’s a work situation or a relationship situation, you need to step out of it.
This week, as you fly above the water, you’ll learn how you’re being manipulated into doing things you don’t want to do or being someone you no longer want to be. From here on, you’ll know when to say No. Death encourages the tedhi ungli, the angry scream, whatever helps the ghee hit the khichdi. So, by the time you hit the water of your consciousness again next week, you won’t be stewing in negative emotions at least.
If life’s been going well then use this week to do a confident backflip, celebrate in the sun as water gleams off your large and perfect body.
Jan 21 – Feb 18
Last week’s The Wheel Of Fortune shaking quite a few of your foundations must have been hella exhausting. We can see that you’ve decided to hide in your own pot with only your head sticking out of the water. It’s not really a bad idea. Think of this as emotion ka jacuzzi. Feel the jet streams of many emotions all over your body and let them relax you.
The 4 Of Swords is here to help you isolate yourself from the world. Else aap ka toh pataa hai, jahaan koi pyaasa dikha lota leke pahaunch gaye. Once in a while, it’s okay to just have a nice soak. Don’t feel guilty for not using all your feelings to help others. Tap into your independent streak to be selfish guilt-free.
It is tempting to have one Bellini in your hand while you’re sitting in the jacuzzi. Just don’t have one too many. This week, any intoxicant is going to exhaust you more, not less.
At work, this is the week you can show your bosses and colleagues that you’re an accountable and responsible part of the team. In relationships, what relationships? Find time to be alone and quiet, didn’t The 4 Of Swords already say that?
Feb 19 – Mar 20
Aap ke mood swings mein mahake hue se raaz hain, aapse bhi moodghairat aapke andaaz hain! People are often surprised by your mood swings but they don’t realise that you more than often have your own triggers for the mood swings. While these surprised people might complain about your swings, they’re ignoring what you’re going through and only focusing on themselves.
Usually this behaviour by friends and foes alike irks the living daylight out of you, triggering yet another extreme mood swing, The Chariot is going to help you rein in your horses or elephants or whichever spirit animal is dragging your ass around town.
The Chariot asks you to not ask what the people see in you but asks you to ask yourself what is it that you see in the people who you are fighting. Full of style and swagger, The Chariot is a diva who couldn’t be bothered to fight on the world’s terms.
At work, if your team isn’t responding to your usual methods of motivation, try something different. For example, the Liz Lemon school of management recommends a 1-minute dance party in office. In relationships, you’re going to have to talk your head off before your partners realise what you’re going through.
(What did you think of our new specially feminist horoscopes looking into your coming week? Write to us your thoughts and we promise we’ll respond 🙂 firstname.lastname@example.org)