By Sharanya Gopinathan

Yesterday, we were in splits over a new “smart condom” we found. It’s actually an ultra high-tech ring that fits over a regular condom, not, as some of our Facebook readers thought, a reusable condom (which is both disgusting and dangerous). British Condom’s expensive new product does several useless things like measure girth, velocity of thrust and number of sex positions used.

Since we thought crowdsourcing funny answers would be a good use of time, we asked our Twitter followers what they would want to see in a smart condom.

Many women said they wanted a condom that could help women stay safe:

Ooh, an alert for the wearer’s partner about any STD’s! https://t.co/zY1fxuQByX

— Love, Sex, Dating (@LsdCast) March 3, 2017

@TheLadiesFinger something to alert me when it breaks or tears

— red_ant_hill (@redant_hill) March 3, 2017

“Smart condom” makers should come up with a feature which stops any attempt to have sex when there is no consent & also alerts authorities https://t.co/v5K4JaCkOQ

— Ayesha Minhaz (@ayesha_minhaz) March 3, 2017

Some folks just wanted all-round quality control:

@TheLadiesFinger comes with smart man attached

— Richa Kaul Padte (@hirishitalkies) March 3, 2017

@TheLadiesFinger doesn’t let him cum till I have.

— Sexy Pakoda (Shreya) (@ShreyaEats) March 3, 2017

@TheLadiesFinger a smart man.

— Maith Iyengar (@maith_i) March 3, 2017

A person who cares about the other person’s pleasure too. https://t.co/mbHfGnK8Q3

— Aparna (@FuschiaScribe) March 3, 2017

@TheLadiesFinger a smart brain that knows pleasuring a woman doesn’t always happen via penetrative sex

— Pooja (@sire_writeous) March 3, 2017

Some women were wondering why we don’t look beyond the condom:

@floweraldehyde @TheLadiesFinger why isn’t anybody considering, suggesting or talking about this as an option? https://t.co/2i4Fesewdr

— dʌɪˈanə (@Diana116) March 3, 2017

@Diana116 @TheLadiesFinger @YouTube It’s a great method, needs to be publicised. There’s so many options for female birth control already.

— Rajvi (@floweraldehyde) March 3, 2017

@Diana116 @TheLadiesFinger @YouTube Some of them do cause varied reactions in each woman, so I still keep my faith. Male birth control, soon

— Rajvi (@floweraldehyde) March 3, 2017

Others were mindful of the spirit of the times and wanted to make sure the smart condom was too:

@TheLadiesFinger ooh it should help me tell an anti-nationalist from a good one. JNU wallah hua tou kiya karenge? Brainwash hogayi tou?

— Aneela Z Babar (@AneelaBabar) March 3, 2017

And then it gets uploaded to the cloud where you compete with your friends; weekly winners are announced.
Huh?
Gamified, yo. https://t.co/thGmff5CJW

— Aman Alam (@AmanAlam) March 3, 2017

@TheLadiesFinger “smart” – is there an app launched by Modi for it? Does it want the Aadhar Card number? Does is support demonetization?

— Purva Agarwala (@ppurva) March 3, 2017

.@ppurva What is the Acronym for it @TheLadiesFinger

— Rethink Aadhaar (@no2uid) March 3, 2017

So while the folks at British Condoms think consumers would like condoms that tell them how their sex acts stack up against others, it looks like our readers think a smart condom would be better off alerting women to STDs, holes in the material and smart men. Keeping tweeting to @theladiesfinger and let us know what you’d like to see in a smart condom!