The week ahead beckons,
and we need to be ready for it to feel right.
For our specially feminist horoscopes, our resident tarot reader Madam Zeenat reads the Next World Tarot deck, which envisions a world where justice relies on respect and revolutionary love. And this week, the tarot images are by Katina Rose.
April 16-22, 2018
This week, Madam Zeenat draws the Hanged Woman, the Teacher, the Devil, the Queen of Cups, underwater rave parties, snack breaks on the road to success and more!
Mar 21-Apr 20
People of the sheep, you’ve enjoyed two sunny weeks now. We hope you’ve used this time to charge yourself because Mercury has turned on the Retrograde Storm sign! We will now be crossing a zone of turbulence. Please return to your seats and keep your seatbelts fastened. NOT. Oh yeah, we said it. We’re not taking it back. That’s ‘cause we got Justice!
Yes, your week is going to be at peak insecurities and impulsiveness. You can land in a fight before you finish blinking. With the sun still in your sign and Justice on your cards, you’re going to have some grip over yourself.
Justice will help you use your conscience to decide if the fight’s worth it. And rest assured, you’re going to fight (and mostly win) some good fights this week. So don’t waste this power which is protecting you from the retrograde on stupid things like winning an argument about not visiting your partner’s parents.
Warnings: 1. Be afraid of your anger if you’re entering this week exhausted. 2. Don’t try to abuse this power for evil gains, your brain will most probably end up fried by an electromagnetic pulse.
Apr 21 – May 21
Baelwaan, this week is the third act of this dramatic two-week old story about healing your inner self. You’re going to finally rebuild your systems of strength and resilience this week.
The 7 Of Pentacles is going to give you the love and wisdom you need to get over this hurdle. With Venus in your sign, you need to arm yourself with art and food that make you happy. When you’re feeling warm and fuzzy like that, if you sit quietly enough, you’ll be able to hear your immune system grow like bacteria culturing in a petri dish.
At work, this is a good time to relax. You know your side dish? Not your main job but something else at work or outside that you enjoy doing more. This is a week to focus on that side dish. It might save you (at least from doing boring ass work this week if not more).
Some of your close ones will wake up to what they love about you as if they’ve always known it. If you feel underappreciated, this is a good week to ask for some appreciation — with charm levels at max and with the sun entering your sign at the end of this week, you will be pleased with the results.
May 22 – June 21
When I started learning how to cook, my mother would always scream at me for not following recipes and the order of cooking correctly. Most of it was designed to be done in a “particular” way that my dad and before him his granddad liked. For me, cooking was all about feeding myself so I would find the easiest way to do things. (I was going to the US to study. You know the drill.)
I told you this story because The 7 Of Swords is here to tell you to read the instructions but try out the better solution that you have come up with. But just like that time I botched up my dal makhani by putting tez patta AFTER the gravy was ready, if you skip instructions, you need to evaluate every shortcut before you take it.
At work, if protocol or hierarchy is blocking progress, don’t be afraid to approach your bosses with your solution. You will find them willing to hear you out.
Relationships will be trickier because sometimes you just want to race to the next phase of intimacy. Sometimes that works, sometimes that blows up in your face.
Basically, question everything you know about how your world works before you do anything this week.
June 22 – July 22
Dear crab cakes, you are delicious but sometimes it’d be good if you showed more emotions. Ahem, personal feelings about crab cakes aside, how are your personal feelings doing after last week’s tumultuous existential crisis? We’re only asking that because the new moon in the sky will start to grow again this week.
The new moon is a great opportunity for you to plant idea seeds to become who you want to become in the near future. What makes this post-existential crisis week so amazing for you is The 9 Of Wands! The 9 Of Wands is the wisdom to have faith in yourself and escape systems that bring you down.
Remember, last week, we asked you to investigate what’s draining you at work? This week, you’ll find collaborators who will make that easier for you. Or co-conspirators who will help you set that shit on fire. If you don’t have a hobby, this is the week to get one.
If you’ve been in a vampirical relationship, you’ll find ways to wake up from it. If all’s been well, your partner and you will make something magical — even if it’s a long drive with a cake in the back seat.
July 23 — Aug 23
Saara sheher tumhe loin ke naam se jaanta hai. Nahin jaanta hai toh ab jaan jaayega. The Page of Wands is the home of fire and you’re a fire sign. Coming from last week’s run in with darkness, you’re going to enter this week prepared for war. You know that fire in Katniss Everdeen’s eyes on The Hunger Games posters? That’s you this week.
This week, don’t just put on clothes in the morning. Pick your outfits. You’re going to need to look just as fierce as you feel. Matlab even if you’re not really in a place where you can just jump into action like that, just the smallest acts of resilience are going to have a positive effect on you and everyone around you.
Your drive this week will keep you going at work, you’ll recover from whatever hit you took last week with flying colours. Personal relationships will be a little dicey. Remember that fire in Katniss’ eyes? It also comes with a free pack of extra brooding. In an effort to reclaim your loinitude, don’t end up hurting someone close to you. Accepting someone’s kindness into your life is also a revolutionary act.
Aug 24 – Sept 22
Did you know a “virgin” was a woman whole unto herself? UNTO HERSELF. Not to someone else’s idea of a woman. I had to scold you because I know you are going to giggle when I say, dear virgins, this week you’re going to be a mess.
You love being organised — mind, body, work, everywhere. Mercury is your planner. Mercury is in a retrograde storm. Gayi bhains paani mein?
Now, obviously, you’re being driven up the wall by this. Trust us, don’t lash out at anyone because of your mess. There are people who might already be done with your perfectionism and this might push them away. The amazing thing, virgin beta, is that the cards are really with you. Have you met The Teacher?
When your powers have failed you, The Teacher has your back against the mess. She shows you how to teach yourself to tackle chaotic situations. That’s all you’ll ever need if you were to be in this kind of a mess again.
In conflicts at work, stop defending yourself. Take a step back. Regroup. There has to be another way. In personal relationships, talk to your partner. This week, you’re susceptible to becoming unnecessarily passive aggressive.
Sept 23 – Oct 23
With your ruling planet Venus in Taurus, you’ve been having urges to be bullish with love and money. This is the week your bullishness is going to be tested hard. You’ve come face to face with the man with really nothing puzzling to his game. Please let him introduce himself, he’s a man of wealth and taste. He’s always pleased to meet you, let’s see if you can guess his name.
You’re going to have consumeristic urges and you’ll feel that retail therapy is your way out of everything. Everything that glitters is not gold, everything that makes you you is nowhere sold. The Devil is forever in need of some restraint. Hugs not Uggs.
Relationships are going to be a minefield this week. No matter what the relationship, sexual or not, please remember that consent is a constantly negotiated commodity. Have some courtesy, some sympathy, and some taste. Don’t do anything that makes you or your partner uncomfortable. No matter how badly you think you need it. Beware of who you emotionally invest in this week.
And finally, the way to stay safest this week is to follow Band Baaja Baaraat’s Shruti Kakkar’s principle: Don’t mix pyaar and vyaapaar.
Oct 24 – Nov 22
Something has cut you deep along the way but would you please put down that weaponised butt aka your stinger and step away for a moment? With Pluto in Capricorn, showing your pain is going to be very difficult. This is the week to submerge in your emotions and memories, seek out your deepest cuts and look them in the eye.
The 3 Of Swords is going to help you with that. It allows you to access your pain with a lot more ease than you normally would. It allows you to confront it and reminds you that you have power over the pain. It asks you to investigate any self-sabotage you’re indulging in to deal with it. It encourages celebrating your melancholy.
If you need to confront an abusive partner, colleague or system, don’t do it this week. This week, you need to take care of yourself. With your head swimming in pain, you might end up in a worse place than the one you are in right now. Abuse is cyclical. Step away from the cycle.
A fight fought without heart is a fight lost already, even if you win. The new moon and The 3 Of Swords make for a great team to help you restart your heart.
Nov 23 – Dec 21
Dhanushdhaari, kis khayaal mein khoye huey ho? Has someone or something in your life opened a tap of love in your heart and you didn’t even realise how and when that happened? It doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship. It can be a newly discovered depth in a relationship or an entirely new relationship. It can be a pet. It can be some new assignment.
Chalo khair, you are not A Stupid so you will know which of the relationships in your life that we should be talking about. So how do we know if your feelings are real and the object of your affection is returning the affection or is going to be beneficial in the long term? You could easily just be overwhelmed because Jupiter is doing aiyaashi in Capricorn. Suspension.
Suspension enables you to gracefully disconnect from the situation, and look at it from another part/personality of you. When we’re in love, we’re the best and sometimes the most compromising versions of ourselves. Suspension allows us to wake up from that thrall.
If you want this love to be a steady part of your future, take this opportunity. If you need it to a be temporary rush which explodes or fades away in the near future, don’t bother.
Dec 22 – Jan 20
Mergoats, have you heard this old riddle? “Water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink.” That’s you. Except water is emotions. You’re perpetually submerged in the depths of your emotions but haraam agar thoda bhi dikhaya toh. And when you do show your feelings, it’s a well-rehearsed show. Sometimes thoda extempore is also good, you know.
With your governing planet Saturn retrograding right where you are (in Capricorn), you might entertain anxieties about not having any confidence. These would go away if you’d just talk about it. Thankfully, The Ace Of Pentacles wants to help you open your heart.
Are you feeling insecure in a relationship? Tell your partner, be vulnerable. Either your insecurities will vanish or you’ll be confronting an actual problem head on. Both will work out well for you.
In your work life, The Ace Of Pentacles will help you shut out any voice (inside or outside your head) that asks you to not be confident of what you do and focus on your work like it was magic. In case you run into a failure, embrace it, just like it was a snack break on a road trip to success.
Jan 21 – Feb 18
They say that once an Aquarian forms an opinion, it is forever. This is the week to take a deep dive into the strong opinions you hold that direct your choices in life.
The Wheel Of Fortune is like Koffee With Karan — full of cute-seeming questions. Some may be tricky, some may be uncomfortable. Others may define where your life goes from there onwards. For no real fault of yours even. (Sorry, Alia!)
Just like on Koffee With Karan, where stars let their hair down and tell us what they really think about things as opposed to the lies that tabloids pedal or the lies they made up to protect themselves, The Wheel Of Fortune asks you to let your hair down and embrace your truth. Don’t let the outside world define who you are. Like don’t burn bras just because that’s what people say feminists are supposed to do. (You’ll just lose a lot of bras and no real good will come of it. Trust us, we tried it.)
Remember, nothing is sacrosanct for The Wheel. Everything is fair game — relationships, work, family, sleep, diet, everything.
Feb 19 – Mar 20
Dear paaplet, haaaaave you met the daughter of the ocean? The Queen Of Cups? We think the two of you will get along very, very well. The last two weeks, we’ve warned you to be careful while you swim through the stream of consciousness. This week, just let go.
With the daughter of the ocean of consciousness with you, life’s going to be like an underwater rave party from a Disney movie. Yes, pulsating, glowing jellyfish dancing all around you is a distinct possibility. (We really feel you should take a holiday this week.)
Relationships that have been stuck under a dark cloud of uncertainties and insecurities will see the sun. Sometimes all it takes for the oldest of issues to fall apart is a warm smile, a joyful hug and a hearty conversation. Cups of chaay and some pakodas always help.
If you love your job, then time at work will fly. If you don’t, it will dampen the happiness that The Queen Of Cups brings with her for you. If you really need to keep this job, we’d advise you to start building a loving relationship with the people you’re working with. There’s no better week for you to do that than this one.
(What did you think of our new specially feminist horoscopes looking into your coming week? Write to us your thoughts and we promise we’ll respond 🙂 firstname.lastname@example.org)