Dear Iron Maiden
I am 26 and I never had a relationship till I got married a year back. My husband had a serious relationship before. It ended in a bitter break up, with his ex even mail bombing me about my husband’s lack of character (a most traumatic affair. Only my feelings for him helped me tide over this. But, did I wear myself out on this? As Rhett Butler said, even the greatest love can get fatigued)
I still care deeply about my husband. And so far, I have not seen anything to complain about from his side, as his ex alleges. But I am constantly hounded by–
- My jealousy over the fact that he had relationships before and I am very naive and gauche in a relationship. At times, I find myself (disturbingly) lusting over other men in my life, if only to match his ‘experience’ — and also to get over the searing hurt that he had cared deeply for another woman before. And probably still does, in a sepia-tinted way. It is childish, perhaps, but I would have loved to have my own sepia tinted secrets, where men not in the arranged-marriage-let’s-settle-down phase were attracted to me and I had my fill of heady, passionate, even if ultimately pointless affairs. This can atleast keep him on the edge, instead of him treating me like an innocent virtuous pure flower girl. I come from a conservative family, and the glimpses of the liberating age we live in can be trying for someone as sheltered and probably repressed like me. Life, sex life especially, has been humdrum and continues to be so.
- My insecurities, whether I am worth being loved. I had been obese and I was the ugly one out in a family of lookers. My husband is a good looking man and his ex was a very pretty girl. I am not unattractive now, but I know I am not beauteous. It is not an overpowering feeling, this insecurity — but when you get to point 3, you will see why I read a lot more into what my husband is not saying.
- And yes, I still havent been able to orgasm. I am trying to read up on sex desperately but can’t deny I am awfully sloppy. And he doesn’t know how to keep me turned on (I can’t guide him on this). For a long time, sex was even painful for me. Now, the pain is not there – but I still cant understand how women can match men in the desire for this. He is now, extremely cautious before he initiates sex – most of the time he is too tired for it. Is my lack of experience, my hurt over his past affairs or lack of attraction the matter here? (looping into the points above, and my circle of hell is complete).
Flowering Loops
First: Stable relationships are very little about how you look and much more about how you feel. If I say this often enough will you begin to believe it? Since someone seems to have told you that fat and ugly people can’t be loved and you believed that?
Second: Your husband’s love life when he was not your husband is something you have no control over- try to accept that not compete with it. If you wanted to have that lustful passionate affair, you would have had it, not written about it. You, however, already know that the affair would be pointless, so thats a great dampner to starting one. As wonderful as the fantasy may sound to you, its because you didn’t have those affairs that you and your husband now love each other. It would be extraordinarily foolish to think you would have had them and been the same person.
Third: Why not simply accept your lack of experience, your naivety and all the attendant stances that come with it at 26? You will certainly go on to gain a huge pile of experience by 35.
This however will only happen once you give up the misguided notion that experience is something one gains by being with lots of different people; it is actually something that one gains by being deeply involved with another human being. Numbers don’t count, intensity is all.
And finally: May I suggest that what hurts you about your situation currently is not your husband’s past, but your own poor self image. This is also most likely causing you the basic inhibition that inevitably brings with it a lack of orgasm. But the solution to that is to be a more centered, self aware person. Not one who tries to play a gamut of unsuitable, fantasy roles.
Good luck.
Do you have life problems, solutions to which feel impregnable? The Iron Maiden is available to answer your personal-sa-sawaals about love/sex/work & life, baby, life! Write to the Iron Maiden at fingerzine (at) gmail (dot) com.
(Image: Diana/Flickr)