The week ahead beckons,
and we need to be ready for it to feel right.
For our specially feminist horoscopes, our resident tarot reader Madam Zeenat reads the Next World Tarot deck, which envisions a world where justice relies on respect and revolutionary love. And this week, the tarot images are by Katina Rose.
May 6-13, 2018
Sorry, sisters (and whatever, brothers), I could be of no help last week. All the voices in my head were of the 500 women laughing their butts off in the audience at Leddis Night! So, you know, I couldn’t use my “gift”.
This week, Madam Zeenat draws the Star, the High Priestess, the Page of Cups, panic room recipes, Shah Rukh Khan in a racist setting and more!
Mar 21-Apr 20
Congratulations, Uranus (heehee) is preparing to leave you for Taurus after 8 years! Think of everything radical (good and bad) that started in your life in 2011. Some of those things are starting to move towards resolution or irreparable damage. Whichever, it’s time to prepare to let them go.
Uranus leaving also means everything you know about how your world works is about to change. Time to start journaling this shit, noticing patterns and figuring out new rules.
The Page Of Cups is a great friend to have when you are wrapping up an exhausting period. She helps you transform your experiences into art. This week would be a great week to pay attention to your dreams. In times of great change, dreams help us process emotions we sometimes are not aware that we’re feeling.
Ask yourself if you’re happy with the work you’re doing? What can you do to increase your jobgasms? Talk to everyone you think can help. The Page Of Cups is an expert in helping you figure out if something is worth your time and emotions or not.
In relationships, The Page Of Cups is going to help you express all the love and tenderness you feel. Take advantage of the help!
Apr 21 – May 21
Predictability, thy name is Taurus. Don’t feel insulted. The world sets their clocks to your predictable behaviour. Toh, Mx Predictability, which of your patterns are you going to repeat and which of them are you going to change? With Venus still in Gemini, we’re going to tell you what every parent tells every child on a road trip, “Jo karna hai abhi karlo, iske baad pata nahin next stop kab hoga.”
This is the right time to evaluate your patterns when it comes to romance and finance. Let’s make this simpler. Think of the last five people you fell for. And think of the last five big purchases you made.
The 8 Of Wands thinks that the best way to shed old skin is to celebrate. This week, think of a thing that you haven’t done but always wanted to do. Find a friend who also hasn’t done that thing. Do it with them.
Work’s going to be easy this week. Like boring normal work which you just do while you make adventure plans.
Venus in Gemini obviously means that your relationships still have insecurities looming over them. Don’t worry about them. The 8 Of Wands just wants you to go dancing with the person making you feel insecure.
May 22 – June 21
So tell na, tell na, which of your insecurities fucked with you the most in the last two weeks? Too soon? Not like you still can’t feel the drama. How to keep your mind focused while insecurities of love and money fuck with you? Ask The 6 Of Pentacles. They tell us to give. Giving as in redistribution and not charity. A raise not a bonus.
At work, involve more of your colleagues in the work you’re doing. Take their feedback. Show them gratitude. Walk that extra mile to make sure it’s a happy place for everybody.
Relationships may annoy you this week. If you did something about that neediness you had started feeling last week, you’ll have a better time this week. Else it’s time to wait in your emotional panic room. Of course, you have one, you just don’t know it. For eg. here’s the recipe for my panic room–
Ingredients: Current favourite alcohol or intoxicant, comfort clothing, music, TV show/movie, a room with curtains for the day time, dim lights for the night.
Instructions: Consume intoxicant alongwith two-two tablespoons of video entertainment. Sleep whenever you want but make sure there’s music playing. Feel free to break into a cry every ten minutes or at any point. Add friends to taste. Doctors have told me avoid that because I have heart problems.
June 22 – July 22
Chand tera dil, chand se duur hai chandni kahaan? The full moon was a way to start the month last week. Plus mid-week mein, the moon moved to Sagittarius, which means you’re on an adventure this week.
Aur kekdajaan, the cards really want to help you so they’ve sent The Ace Of Swords. The Ace Of Swords is not just a sword. It’s like a swiss army knife which grew in the wilderness. If you’re going to use its powers for evil, dharti tumhe khaa jaayegi. But, The Ace Of Swords implies you’re going to a swashbuckling adventurer.
Basically, this week, you’re Shah Rukh Khan in a racist setting (Chennai Express) but still making most people smile because you’re dancing with style and at full volume. (Yes, 1, 2, 3, 4, get on the dancefloor!)
Sometimes you need to speak louder to get your ideas through. We’ve been taught that loud is rude or bad or associated with violence. Not true. Good leaders are loud because that ensures everyone hears them. That’s basically, going to be work.
Relationships ke liye The Ace Of Swords is going to be that killer pedicure, you know the one where you’re worried that you might be bleeding but your feet are only shining.
July 23 — Aug 23
Shera, leadership se break lene ka waqt aa gaya hai. This week, it’s time to take the server down for maintenance. Find the things that need pampering, find the things that need fixing. Prioritise yourself over your team. What is it that you want to do? What is it that you need to do?
The King Of Pentacles is a star, a singer, an actor, a mother. She knows the roles she juggles and she doesn’t necessarily live the feminist life but she’s well aware of her time and place in the world. She asks you to be secure in who you are or have become. Not everything is a choice you have. Sometimes you can choose to not hurt yourself for your principles.
Being a celebrity, The King Of Pentacles knows the power of her silence. Take her lead. Make yourself bulletproof first. Take some hits at work if you need to. Let a project sink if it has to. It’s time for a change, it’s time to be selfish.
Relationships are not going to be teamwork. This week, demand your partners to step up and provide more than their share of love and other drugs. If they can’t or they refuse, feel free to avoid them.
Aug 24 – Sept 22
This is your week of rest and relaxation. First toh there was the Mercury retrograde storm, then you had a week to emotionally recover from that. Are you feeling comfortable in your own skin again? Are you feeling like Zeenat Aman stepping out of the samundar, fully namkeen, fully fresh, despite Amitabh Bachchan staring at and singing about you?
The Knight Of Pentacles will help you to not lose yourself to any kinda chaos this week. They’re here to help you focus on your work while moderating your consumption. They recommend going epicurean (no, it’s not a diet) till you find your footing.
You are going to feel all kinds of love for people who stood by you the last two weeks. Good. Don’t feel conscious about it. Call them over, make a meal together, have some wine, giggle, go for a walk, break into comedy bits and one-step dance jigs during the walk. Think of this as stretching your new pumps out. Dancing in them at home before you take them out into the world. (Even if you bleed a little, it’s okay, it’s just your home.)
At work, this is a great time to be taking on new projects. Don’t take on one that’s too big. Start and finish a few smaller ones first.
Sept 23 – Oct 23
Libby darling, you know when you are able to love yourself and love everyone around you, and accept the love that is offered to you, you are strong and powerful without feeling the burdened by the power. You can see clearly now.
If you did anything at all about all the romance in the air last week, you are probably coming off happy and healthy from that week. If not, you might be feeling a little edgy. Quick, call your closest friends and tell them about all the shots you DID NOT take last week. The 3 Of Pentacles will help you collect yourself.
The 3 Of Pentacles is going to push you towards direct action. They ask you to remember that direct action as an individualistic endeavour is a myth. Don’t fall for it. All your heroes took help, collaborated. They might not have given credit to their collaborators or history erased their names. Use the love in you to make your team feel strong, appreciated and they will respond with accountability.
All your relationships are feeling juicy and tasty right now, aren’t they? Make the most of this time with your friends, family and lovers. These are the days you will remember.
Oct 24 – Nov 22
Bicchhu, it’s time to let the Ila Arun wala bicchhu bite you. Make a list of your dirtiest sexual fantasies, discuss them with your partner and try them out. With Jupiter inside you, if your kisses are not loud and sloppy, they’re not even worth it.
In, ahem, non-boudoir matters, The 9 Of Cups is here to help you luxuriate. Think of that glimmer of hope that kept you alive the last two weeks, and tear it open into a full blown source of light. Keep your bar and fridge stocked this week. Clothing is optional.
While asking you to indulge in a little materialism, she asks you to understand your material needs, to remember that they’re haath ka mael. If you need to do anything or be with anyone and sacrifice your independence to fulfil those needs, it’s just wrong. To feel good, you don’t need materials, you just need the will to luxuriate.
This week, get to work on time but leave early. Like 5pm is 5pm, not 7:30pm, definitely not 10pm.
Nov 23 – Dec 21
Toh beta, how was last-to-last week’s plot twist? Mazaa aaya? Yaa you’re feeling all kinds of loot gaye, barbaad ho gaye type feelings? In which case, you obviously avoided any assistance The 7 Of Pentacles was sitting there to offer you. That’s like being a man who hired a woman expert but refused to listen to her when manufacturing a feminine hygiene product.
Aur agar mazaa aaya toh this week, you’re confident and ready to build on the big plans that Jupiter pushed you towards. Work’s looking promising, right? What with all the resources allocated and knowledge deployed. Excellent! Because The High Priestess is here to see your plans through.
She asks you trust your confidence. She will see all and ensure that everything that has come together will stay aligned. All she asks of you is to follow your intuitions. Don’t let doubt make you shaky. When encountering doubt from the outside, don’t worry. You actually have the answer inside you, just take a deep breath and find it.
The High Priestess’ love is a higher love, a more spiritual love. Love flows from her to everyone around her in an unfettered fashion. It’s a great time to buy gifts for those you love.
Dec 22 – Jan 20
After last two weeks’ flight, now that you’ve landed once again back into your ocean of consciousness with a large ass splash, you will realise that people noticed and are now paying attention to what you’re up to. You just made a superhero landing.
Toh don’t freak out. We know how much you love being in your emotional comforter but now that people have noticed, they’ve felt your emotions, they’ve emphathised. They will react.
The 7 Of Wands is here to help you take advantage of this potential leadership position you’re in. Involve others in your life through your work. She will help protect them from their pains as well.
This is a great time to pick a team. You’ll know who actually empathised and who was just caught in your spectacle. Find the ones that show true appreciation and love. It’s not difficult, they’re usually the ones who want to help you take a bigger, longer flight or even learn how to fly with you.
In personal relationships, don’t think so much. Just spread your arms wide open and let everyone in. Take all the love and attention they’re showering upon you. And give as much of it as you can back.
Jan 21 – Feb 18
Your mothership, Uranus (the return of heehee), is preparing to leave the waters of Pisces in a week. It may smell of fish. (I just couldn’t resist.) It’s time to rise out of the deprivation tank you made for yourself the last couple of weeks. A new phase is about to enter your life and you have maybe a week to prepare.
Are you feeling rejuvenated after therapeutising yourself with your emotions? If not you better start treating yourself better. Such huge changes in life are often not easy. Although, to make your life comfortable, the cards send you The Star — the mother of reinvention.
That badass bitch reinvents herself at least five times and sometimes becomes the most powerful source of gravity in the universe. The star cuts your connections with trauma and allows you to grow in a life after.
Relationships are bound to heal this week. Do you have any baggage with any close friends and family? You’ll either fix the ones you can or find closure with the ones you can’t.
At work, you need to find something to do other than your job. It can be anything — from a side project with a colleague to joining the weekly game night.
Feb 19 – Mar 20
This is Ground Control to Major Fish, Take your protein pills and put your helmet on. Start preparing to wave farewell to Uranus. (Third and final, we promise.) Uranus allows you to escape the world, and live in your own. It could be an addiction, a career path or it could just be a romance. After seven years of being away from the realities of the world, you’re going to face them all.
Thankfully, The King Of Cups is the healed healer you’re looking for to help you navigate this space. She’s going to hold your hand and ask you to not dismiss the magics of your imaginary realm when entering the logic of the real world.
When I was a young atheist in college, I would leave my hostel room fan on before I left for any exam. If when I returned, the fan was still on, I’d believe that I’d do well. I needed that faith because I sucked at studies. Don’t punish yourself for indulging in a little placebo action. Or hate others you know who need faith to get through their day.
If all else fails, keep this science in mind: A placebo can work even if you know it’s a placebo.
(What did you think of our new specially feminist horoscopes looking into your coming week? Write to us your thoughts and we promise we’ll respond 🙂 email@example.com)