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HomeLifeIn Thrall of ‘Particular’ Men

In Thrall of ‘Particular’ Men

August 2, 2018

By Nisha Susan

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Originally published on 31 March 2016. 

I grew up around Particular Men. I am sure you did too. ‘Particular’ is the word they sometimes used to describe themselves. But mostly it was the word that women used to explain their behaviour. “Your father is so particular about what you wear.” “My husband is very particular about meal timings.” Often they were particular about the temperature of food. Some were particular about a single spoon or plate they ate in. They were particular about the exact ratio of milk and water in the coffee and spoke with great bitterness and fluency when oppressed by a coffee that tasted different.

The particularness of men was explained to me as a child in a manner that encouraged me to think that this was a good thing, an elevated sensitivity, a more evolved aesthetics, a finer palate. Imagine having a father/uncle/grandfather who was not particular. How barbaric would that be. How unlucky I’d be. The manner in which this was described also made it seem that the particularness was an unusual and special thing to our households. Elsewhere, it was implied, was darkness. Elsewhere, I imagined, were men who didn’t care about the important things. I occasionally heard mockery of a man who ate whatever was put in front of him.

I left home and the company of particular men when I was in my late teens. I also lost the gift of hunted-animal alertness that living in such households gives you. You wake up already convinced that you’ve forgotten something important. You spend more hours of the day on your toes than Misty Copeland. You know that all meals will be marred by the one thing you didn’t work hard enough on. You know that you will always mess up the best day by saying something stupid. You know that when asked, you will forget things you knew as well as you knew your name. You know that some days, when faced by the contempt of particular men, you are no longer sure of your name. On the other hand, your gratitude on the days you’re told you have not messed up is so deep and so rich, you wonder how you could live with less exacting standards. Those are the gifts I lost when I left home.

Later, occasional encounters with particular men didn’t make me react the same way. It must have been the loss of the gift. An otherwise kind boyfriend told me every now and then about ways in which I could improve myself to match the standards (that he was trying to acquire rapidly). I bid him ta-ta. I was an insufferable 20-something. But I also suffered deeply on the rare occasions I hung out with family where men bravely resisted change and remained particular. I ladled out rice and sambhar to uncles, all the while channelling a Russian soldier who has to choose between dying on the Eastern Front or being sent to Siberia for desertion.

In the last month or two, I have spent time with friends and family who have less ramshackle domestic arrangements than I do. When I was in the middle of a bout of flu, a young male relative who was visiting remarked, “You don’t have any children and your house is so messy. What would you do if you did?”

I snapped and said something about getting a wife like he did, knowing well that he hadn’t kept house in years and is the first man I know to actually forget how to light a gas stove. But it rankled. And rankled. And I wondered why I hadn’t found an insult from the same paradigm to deliver to him: “You have two children and how come you still earn so little?” That would be cruel, you think. So did I. But he didn’t make this remark about the messy house to my husband. And I wished that I had hit him where it hurt. Because he certainly hit me where I’d been trained to hurt.

Since then I’ve also heard women friends talk sometimes with dejection and sometimes with rage about how their husbands are particular that children should be brought up without ‘outsiders’, a.k.a. paid childcare. And hence they’ve been stuck in lonely houses in lonely cities, without an adult to speak to for years, till their husbands felt particular about which school their child should go to. I’ve heard stories of women hiding their own or their child’s illness from their husbands because illness would be a sign that someone messed up, someone didn’t follow the rules. I’ve heard of the husband who is away on work for months on end who comes home and tries to tell the wife (who works long hours outside the house and at home raising their children) that perhaps she should be stricter with the domestic help. That perhaps she doesn’t know how to microwave rice quite right. That perhaps she is not scolding their son enough. That perhaps she is scolding him too much.

And as I listened I remembered the particular men I had grown up around and how I had once imagined that their lofty demands meant they knew something I didn’t. Now when I hear these conversations I think of the charts that hang in the loos of bars and coffee-shops indicating when they were last cleaned. And in the business of running a household and looking after children and looking after the elderly, in tracking the unpaid labour, both physical and emotional, men seem to be carrying around charts all the time. Tick. Cross. Tick. Cross. Tick. Or I Will Be Very Cross.

I wonder what would happen in these households if the women decided to be particular. It’s hard to imagine that chart. What ephemeral, universally understood pressure exists on the men of our households, except perhaps to bring home a salary? And if by chance he doesn’t, it clearly behoves women to make tea quietly, walk softly and tell the children to be silent for the next year because Daddy is in a bad mood.

4543249253_1afd9ba1f3_zIt struck me recently that the bad moods of my adult male relatives look strikingly similar to the bad moods of my toddler relatives. They both make a very loud fuss if they can’t drink from a particular cup. Their faces flush with blood and they screech when things don’t taste quite the way they want it, at the temperature they want it. In the glory days we’ve all known particular men and babies who threw plates and other objects that were never meant to fly.

It’s astonishing how much a Particular Man resembles a general brat.

 

Image credits:
Man by José Carlos Cortizo Pérez  via Flickr/CC by 2.0
Angry Lil’ Man by Morgan via Flickr/CC by 2.0

Tags: family, fathers, life, marriage, men

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Nisha Susan

About the author
Nisha Susan

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124 Responses to “In Thrall of ‘Particular’ Men”

  1. Reply
    AListRap
    March 31, 2016 at 9:26 am

    chasingiamb theladiesfinger Wow. This article is so damn bang on. Just.

  2. Reply
    aarshps
    March 31, 2016 at 9:31 am

    chasingiamb theladiesfinger lovely write! Stark truth! U0001f641

  3. Reply
    theladiesfinger
    March 31, 2016 at 9:33 am

    AListRap chasingiamb Thank you!

  4. Reply
    theladiesfinger
    March 31, 2016 at 9:34 am

    aarshps chasingiamb Thanks!

  5. Reply
    DebduttaRay
    March 31, 2016 at 10:13 am

    “It’s astonishing how much a particular man resembles a general brat.”  
    Love this piece, and particularly how it ended with a bang [not a whimper ;)]

  6. Reply
    SoconfusingName
    March 31, 2016 at 10:14 am

    chasingiamb theladiesfinger best thing I’ve read all year!

  7. Reply
    ShreyaEats
    March 31, 2016 at 10:16 am

    ShreyaEats chasingiamb theladiesfinger On being broken up recently, I was told that I liked things only my way #NoPlaceForParticularWomen

  8. Reply
    NaMoSena
    March 31, 2016 at 10:38 am

    chasingiamb Nice write.agree many men insensitive! But
    very biased
    ur no flaws perfect
    no love relationships
    Deep dissatisfaction
    confused

  9. Reply
    ShreyaEats
    March 31, 2016 at 10:48 am

    chasingiamb theladiesfinger thank u for sparking a conversation on the family WhatsApp group. http://twitter.com/ShreyaEats/status/715407897065226240/photo/1

  10. Reply
    theladiesfinger
    March 31, 2016 at 10:49 am

    ShreyaEats chasingiamb oh wow! Thank you for sharing!

  11. Reply
    ShreyaEats
    March 31, 2016 at 10:51 am

    theladiesfinger chasingiamb feminism starts from home.

  12. Reply
    zainabbawa
    March 31, 2016 at 11:09 am

    theladiesfinger at what point do women start drawing boundaries in their relationships with men? About their roles?

  13. Reply
    zainabbawa
    March 31, 2016 at 11:10 am

    theladiesfinger If I don’t draw boundaries, I will perpetuate the system. When and how does this awareness come about?

  14. Reply
    hawkeyeview
    March 31, 2016 at 11:39 am

    gauravsabnis im not a particular man but was brought thinking i was a lesser man because i wasnt. Retrospectively i agree theladiesfinger

  15. Reply
    gauravsabnis
    March 31, 2016 at 11:40 am

    hawkeyeview Agree with me and theladiesfinger or the other folks? 🙂

  16. Reply
    hawkeyeview
    March 31, 2016 at 11:41 am

    gauravsabnis particular men are good bcoz they thrive on set routine (vital) and have clear notion of what works theladiesfinger

  17. Reply
    hawkeyeview
    March 31, 2016 at 11:44 am

    gauravsabnis finally the cliche of escapism lurking underneath theladiesfinger ‘s misplaced feminism = mother of all tambram cliches

  18. Reply
    gauravsabnis
    March 31, 2016 at 11:47 am

    hawkeyeview How is it “misplaced feminism” to point out that men assuming special privileges is idiotic and archaic? theladiesfinger

  19. Reply
    hawkeyeview
    March 31, 2016 at 11:47 am

    gauravsabnis dunno who ‘others’ are but i dont think particular men/women were bad. I aspire to be them. So dont diss 🙂 theladiesfinger

  20. Reply
    hawkeyeview
    March 31, 2016 at 11:51 am

    gauravsabnis its idiosyncrasies of a person. Not men. Ive aunts who wont drink milk white so my mom put coloring powder theladiesfinger

  21. Reply
    sneha_vakharia
    March 31, 2016 at 11:52 am

    chasingiamb This is amazing and so true it hurts and now I’m deeply upset about my life. Thank you.

  22. Reply
    gauravsabnis
    March 31, 2016 at 11:52 am

    hawkeyeview The occasional domineering woman doesn’t change the fact that overwhelming majority of such folks are men. theladiesfinger

  23. Reply
    hawkeyeview
    March 31, 2016 at 11:53 am

    gauravsabnis i do think that our generation is sloppy on household cleanliness and theladiesfinger usage feminism as defense is escapism

  24. Reply
    hawkeyeview
    March 31, 2016 at 11:54 am

    gauravsabnis man of the house may be responsible as well but its not mutually exclusive. theladiesfinger

  25. Reply
    gauravsabnis
    March 31, 2016 at 11:54 am

    hawkeyeview Maybe YMMV but from what I’ve seen, our gen is better in terms of cleanliness. Maybe cos men contribute too. theladiesfinger

  26. Reply
    hawkeyeview
    March 31, 2016 at 11:55 am

    gauravsabnis im not denying existence of patriarchy. But making narrow point that theladiesfinger’s rant is not an instance of it

  27. Reply
    hawkeyeview
    March 31, 2016 at 11:57 am

    gauravsabnis i think pampered upbringing and double income has made both men and women lazy on household cleanliness theladiesfinger

  28. Reply
    sethiankit
    March 31, 2016 at 11:57 am

    chasingiamb this describes my dad quite well. Re-evaluating many moments from my childhood. Great work deconstructing this word.

  29. Reply
    hawkeyeview
    March 31, 2016 at 11:59 am

    gauravsabnis really this post is so tambram that theladiesfinger could be my cousin who was sloppy as teenager and as mom

  30. Reply
    gauravsabnis
    March 31, 2016 at 12:07 pm

    hawkeyeview I didn’t grow up in tambram households so can’t attest to that. But the gender gap in it is obvious to me. theladiesfinger

  31. Reply
    gauravsabnis
    March 31, 2016 at 12:09 pm

    chasingiamb just so very accurate theladiesfinger

  32. Reply
    TheM1
    March 31, 2016 at 12:12 pm

    I agree with the post that particularity of men is just another tyrannical tool to oppress women with. I have some questions for Nisha Susan though. You say that you stopped being in thrall of particular men after a point. Have you even once talked back to them since? Have you pointed out the sham of their particularity to their face? By your own admission, you could not think of a suitable reply to shut up that one pesky young male relative who commented on your house.

    And yet you write about it so eloquently. You compare your adult male relatives to bratty toddlers. You name no names, but the people you write about can read themselves in your public posts. And it isn’t just you. It is a whole legion of feminists who have made their writing careers by, quite plainly, ‘bitching’ about people closest to them – people they were too ‘polite’ to talk back to in person.

    I, on the other hand, was labelled the rude girl while growing up. Because I talked back. To particular men. To particular women. To particular teachers. To everyone particular who tried to impress on me a sense of their importance. Predictably, I scored no popularity points.

    So here is the thing: My honesty fetched me ostracism, your pseudo-politeness made you a writer.

    Perhaps it is time to reflect.

  33. Reply
    BulbulGopalani
    March 31, 2016 at 12:15 pm

    TheM1 Well said. – From another rude girl

  34. Reply
    BulbulGopalani
    March 31, 2016 at 12:16 pm

    gauravsabnis hawkeyeview theladiesfinger I disagree. I grew up in a house with a particular woman instead of man. Sure, in the larger family, it was all about the man but only because the women let it be so.

  35. Reply
    TheM1
    March 31, 2016 at 12:33 pm

    hawkeyeview Cleanliness is a feminist issue. And feminism isn’t escapism. Our generation is sloppy on household cleanliness for the simple reason that boys have always been boys and girls aint taking that rubbish anymore.
    Make of it what you will.

  36. Reply
    pind_wave
    March 31, 2016 at 12:39 pm

    “your gratitude on the days you’re told you haven’t messed up is so deep & rich, you wonder how you could live with less exacting standards”

  37. Reply
    endhaarea
    March 31, 2016 at 12:42 pm

    Niyantha theladiesfinger Urban men maybe.

  38. Reply
    AtiyaAbbas
    March 31, 2016 at 1:09 pm

    pind_wave soo good!

  39. Reply
    VineetSays
    March 31, 2016 at 1:38 pm

    chasingiamb theladiesfinger spot on!

  40. Reply
    AmnNasir
    March 31, 2016 at 1:53 pm

    pind_wave …basically me in reference to my boss

  41. Reply
    shikha
    March 31, 2016 at 2:30 pm

    TheM1 people respond in different ways … u can write abt ur way too…

  42. Reply
    KartikCordeiro
    March 31, 2016 at 3:20 pm

    What about women/families who can’t afford a domestic help? Or the domestic helps themselves? Or is this article only from an upper class point of view?

  43. Reply
    ichirpy
    March 31, 2016 at 3:29 pm

    MnshaP chasingiamb theladiesfinger yes, very particularly readable. Had lot of fun reading.

  44. Reply
    Indulekha_A
    March 31, 2016 at 3:38 pm

    vinayaravind sent it to The Mother 🙂 chasingiamb

  45. Reply
    Indulekha_A
    March 31, 2016 at 3:41 pm

    TheM1 She did jettison the particular boyfriend, to be fair

  46. Reply
    chasingiamb
    March 31, 2016 at 4:13 pm

    Indulekha_A vinayaravind You subversive siblings:)

  47. Reply
    chasingiamb
    March 31, 2016 at 4:13 pm

    MnshaP Thank you, Manisha:)

  48. Reply
    chasingiamb
    March 31, 2016 at 4:13 pm

    Thanks:) IshetaS

  49. Reply
    chasingiamb
    March 31, 2016 at 4:14 pm

    gauravsabnis theladiesfinger Thank you, Gaurav.

  50. Reply
    chasingiamb
    March 31, 2016 at 4:14 pm

    sneha_vakharia Glad you liked it, Sneha.

  51. Reply
    chasingiamb
    March 31, 2016 at 4:15 pm

    ShreyaEats theladiesfinger Amazing:)

  52. Reply
    chasingiamb
    March 31, 2016 at 4:16 pm

    High praise, thank you. SoconfusingName theladiesfinger

  53. Reply
    chasingiamb
    March 31, 2016 at 4:16 pm

    AListRap theladiesfinger Thank you. 🙂

  54. Reply
    priya_ebooks
    March 31, 2016 at 4:22 pm

    this piece is really good and talks about how “being particular” =/= “elevated sensitivity, a more evolved aesthetics, a finer palate”

  55. Reply
    Pscripturient
    March 31, 2016 at 4:27 pm

    chasingiamb Superb! One piece on mothers of particular men as well, please!

  56. Reply
    lizjacobs86
    March 31, 2016 at 4:28 pm

    TheM1 That’s how everybody is conditioned in this country – you are expected to accept everybody’s ‘particular-ity’ to demonstrate what a well brought up person/asset to society you are. If you don’t you are the opposite of all that and the possessor of any other shortcoming the ‘particular’ people can find.

  57. Reply
    TheM1
    March 31, 2016 at 4:32 pm

    chasingiamb theladiesfinger PhotoKadaNair  @BulbulGopalani shikha  Indulekha_A lizjacobs86 

    I
    identify as a feminist, and it pains me to have used the words
    ‘bitching’ (albeit in quotes) and feminists in the same sentence in my
    comment. It will not have served the purpose of my comment if the only attention and responses it garners are the usual feminist-bashing ones. Plus, I’ve been meaning to ask these questions to mainstream feminist writers for a long time.

    This tendency among feminists to reduce
    their feminism to writing their ‘pain’ has weighed on my mind for far
    too long. Writing no doubt has an important place in feminist discourse
    and activism, but that can’t be all there is to it.

    The
    articulateness and eloquence of feminists of our times is sadly seen
    not in their talking back where they ought to, ie, to the face of power,
    but in writing elaborate pieces online about their suffering, and in
    general, preaching to the choir. This passive-aggression is then hailed
    as an adequate feminist response to the many facets of patriarchy. These
    articles are widely shared and liked by younger feminists on social
    media, and evoke the predictable exclamations of empathy and armchair solidarity.

    In
    all of this, these individual women retain the good girl image they
    were brought up to adhere to. That is neither courageous nor does it help feminism.

  58. Reply
    TheM1
    March 31, 2016 at 4:35 pm

    lizjacobs86 But isn’t that precisely what feminism questions?

  59. Reply
    chasingiamb
    March 31, 2016 at 4:36 pm

    sushmitas Yes and fighting that hard-wiring.

  60. Reply
    sushmitas
    March 31, 2016 at 4:51 pm

    chasingiamb The sweaty palms and racing heart that accompany asserting yourself count as more unpaid labor, surely….okay, too much? 🙂

  61. Reply
    chasingiamb
    March 31, 2016 at 4:52 pm

    sushmitas absolutely. Only it gets a little easier each year.

  62. Reply
    sushmitas
    March 31, 2016 at 4:58 pm

    chasingiamb I remain hopeful, then.

  63. Reply
    chasingiamb
    March 31, 2016 at 5:13 pm

    sushmitas Yeah me too:)

  64. Reply
    chasingiamb
    March 31, 2016 at 5:13 pm

    asiyaislam theladiesfinger Thank you, Asiya:)

  65. Reply
    lizjacobs86
    March 31, 2016 at 5:38 pm

    TheM1 I thought what your response highlighted was the need to speak out against the foisting of such ‘particular-ities’ – not to be the silent suffering types, like the author here has been to some extent. She has finally spoken out, albeit somewhat late. But it is a start.  It highlights the need to speak out more against such ‘particular’ instances, irrespective of how uncomfortable they may make people. I agree with your point about how most people try to remain the good girls by being the silent-suffering types. I have seen so much of that in real life and it kinda irks me sometimes.

  66. Reply
    PurpleSuave
    March 31, 2016 at 6:06 pm

    Bad mood days are gender neutral. You admitted you were
    insufferable yourself all through your 20s. I’m sure you were insufferable even
    as a kid, like all of the kids – boy or girl. I’m sure at some point, you would’ve
    also managed to fly thing that weren’t meant to be flown, and acted out when
    you didn’t get your way.

    Agreed – a lot of men are accustomed to having things done
    their way throughout their adult lives, most of them are fully grown babies and
    their minds are conditioned to throw a tantrum every time something’s not done
    the way their mommies used to do it for them. 
    And most of these men are also naturally gifted when it comes to
    critiquing the women in their lives. But saying that only the men in your life
    are ‘particular’ is an attempt to manipulate the facts, just so that you can
    make your point. Yours is a joint Christian family I suppose? In which case, I’m
    surprised your mother/aunt/grandmother was/are never particular about anything!
    Because I’ve seen grandmothers and mother-in-laws complain more about trivial
    things like there being too much salt or the rice being overcooked etc. In
    fact, most men I’ve seen usually just eat whatever is put in front of them, and
    it’s the women who seem to find faults.

    I’m sure there are men who still insist on their wives
    staying at home and looking after the children, but generalizing would be
    wrong. You’re absolutely right, all men do is provide for the family. This
    needs to change. Both husband and wife, should split the responsibilities right
    down the center – be it providing for the family, doing household chores,
    looking after the kids or whatever. This way, there’s no room for criticism
    unless either of them is in fact slacking, because one of them is setting a
    benchmark for the other. Lists or charts or whatever you choose to call them,
    are important even at home, just like they’re important at work. And women have
    every right to expect that men maintain the same standards when it comes to
    crossing-off their own tasks.

    I find it difficult to digest that even in today’s day and
    age, at least when it comes to city-dwellers, women don’t stand-up to men and
    ask them to go make their own tea! Maybe it’s because I come from a family
    where women do things only out of love and not because they HAVE to, and where
    men don’t take the women for granted or treat them like house-help. My dad does
    all the heavy-lifting in the yard, he cooks, he cleans and does almost everything
    else around the house. My mom used to be very vocal about the stuff she wanted
    my dad to do around the house, and now he does them on his own. I guess what I’m
    trying to say is that women need to stop male-bashing via such passive-aggressive
    posts and try talking instead. Stand-up to the men in your life and ask to be
    treated equally; what’s stopping you? Why wallow in self-pity?

  67. Reply
    TheM1
    March 31, 2016 at 7:16 pm

    shikha That is just the point. When occasion calls for a either a verbal response or action, it is cowardly to write an article about it online. I don’t need to write about my way because I’ve already given my response straight to the people for whom it was meant.

  68. Reply
    TheM1
    March 31, 2016 at 7:32 pm

    lizjacobs86 My response was about the transformation of feminist protest into venting oneself online instead of taking action. The most well-known feminists are those with a strong online presence. That’s rather unfair isn’t it?

  69. Reply
    charugrover
    March 31, 2016 at 8:50 pm

    curiousgawker alleviating romance to the eccentricities of “Hamare woh” is the thing with INDIAN WOMEN,

  70. Reply
    charugrover
    March 31, 2016 at 8:52 pm

    curiousgawker as if they gave up thinking altogether for a whilebt wakin up from slumber nw they be realisin you need to put sense in men.

  71. Reply
    curiousgawker
    March 31, 2016 at 8:53 pm

    charugrover this is a different generation of indian women

  72. Reply
    charugrover
    March 31, 2016 at 8:53 pm

    curiousgawker totally

  73. Reply
    MissSpite
    April 1, 2016 at 3:49 am

    priya_ebooks One of my stepfathers wouldn’t tell Mom what he wanted to eat. She made him eggs. He didn’t want fried, he wanted scrambled.

  74. Reply
    MissSpite
    April 1, 2016 at 3:50 am

    priya_ebooks She put the eggs in front of him. He looked up and said, “You scrambled the wrong one.” Pushed away from the table, and left.

  75. Reply
    mickeykedia
    April 1, 2016 at 4:52 am

    Fantastic article. Articulates a lot of things really well. My sense has been though that certain men are ‘awarded’ the right to be particular because they have to go outside and earn money in the big bad world outside.

    In a colonially oppressed poor country this usually meant that you come home exhausted after having been defeated (f$#ked) by the world, and so women create this space for you where things will perturb you the least. It’s a compromise that the couple makes.

  76. Reply
    deepamenon_
    April 1, 2016 at 11:25 am

    Nisha, this is so good. So Nisha Susan-ly good. You know, in that wise, funny, blistering and particular Nisha Susan way.

  77. Reply
    chasingiamb
    April 1, 2016 at 11:49 am

    parmeshs theladiesfinger Thanks, Parmesh.:)

  78. Reply
    chasingiamb
    April 1, 2016 at 11:49 am

    CViraraghavan yes the crisp dosai problem. *shaking head*

  79. Reply
    CViraraghavan
    April 1, 2016 at 12:15 pm

    chasingiamb The patient, put-upon smile 🙂

  80. Reply
    RohanV
    April 1, 2016 at 12:55 pm

    chasingiamb super piece.

  81. Reply
    chasingiamb
    April 1, 2016 at 12:56 pm

    RohanV Glad you liked it, Rohan:)

  82. Reply
    chasingiamb
    April 1, 2016 at 1:05 pm

    CViraraghavan hahaha yes.

  83. Reply
    chasingiamb
    April 1, 2016 at 1:05 pm

    PragyaTiwari Thanks, PT!

  84. Reply
    iamamenon
    April 1, 2016 at 1:08 pm

    chasingiamb interesting take and self introspection made me realize I am in the non particular category,nxt u shld write abt them 😉

  85. Reply
    scharada_d
    April 1, 2016 at 1:11 pm

    chasingiamb Not just a strong resemblance, they’re identical! That explains my utter serenity – complete indifference to ‘particular’ ppl.

  86. Reply
    chasingiamb
    April 1, 2016 at 1:12 pm

    scharada_d HAHAHAHA. Transcendence via ‘ignore’. It’s the plan.

  87. Reply
    scharada_d
    April 1, 2016 at 1:14 pm

    chasingiamb Yes! Loved your piece. Kai logon ki dimag ki batti jal gayi hogi 🙂

  88. Reply
    chasingiamb
    April 1, 2016 at 1:19 pm

    scharada_d Thank you:)

  89. Reply
    avinashnagadi
    April 1, 2016 at 1:25 pm

    chasingiamb theladiesfinger my first time,reading ur piece.good sense of sarcasm.#Particularmen

  90. Reply
    angryoungwoman
    April 1, 2016 at 1:41 pm

    chasingiamb theladiesfinger And thumbs down 2 fussy men is almst a subconscious reaction cz my Father nvr imposed anything on us or any1!

  91. Reply
    reetikatripathi
    April 1, 2016 at 2:22 pm

    chasingiamb superb!

  92. Reply
    genesiaalves
    April 1, 2016 at 4:29 pm

    prev via ruderigues

  93. Reply
    gopium
    April 1, 2016 at 5:43 pm

    As the man-half of a not-very-particular couple, my humble submission is that whole “particularity” bug is not at all a male monopoly. I have extremely particular women among close cousins, friend’s wives, colleagues and what not – and you’d have seen them too – you give your kids burgers? and pizzas too? You don’t give them daily dose of greens? No milk before sleeping? You allow them to stay up after 9.30PM? Routine is so important – my xyz has his bath time, bed time, play time, prayer time, quiet time, transcendental meditation time…You don’t send them for “extra-curricular” activities? no bharatanatyam? no karate? no kumon? not even keyboard? Wow, you allow them to watch all these junk on TV? …thus goes the story – could be the particular kind of health & fitness advice, particular kind of food choices, particular kind of education/extracurricular activities, movies, TV, restaurants, holiday locations, shopping places, the religious rituals are probably the most grating…the list goes on and on. Net-net, for us not-particularly-particular people, all these could be quite taxing, but then again, I repeat, its not a male bastion at all.

  94. Reply
    meherunnissa
    April 1, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    lizjacobs86 TheM1 seeing as Nisha Susan is one
    of the people who flagged off the pink chaddi campaign and moreover co-founded
    this rather superb feminist website is your very personal commentary on her
    really substantiated.
    I never got the impression
    that she never spoke back. But by biting her tongue on the “how come you
    earn so less” comment she did make a feminist gesture in not replicating
    that same gendered abuse.
    To me her article does not
    come across as personal suffering porn. It extrapolates from experience to note
    a general and gendered occurrence that apparently many many people have related
    to. And feminism is as much about recognising these daily interactions that go
    unquestioned as anything else.
    While some of your general
    comments here about the nature of online feminism and the self-serving
    confessional certainly apply – am not sure this particular piece is quite the
    target.
    Also the “ask me how
    I’ve suffered” school of claiming feminist superiority is quite
    established, no 🙂
    So maybe some reflection is
    indeed needed, in other quarters.
    seeing as Nisha Susan is one
    of the people who flagged off the pink chaddi campaign and moreover co-founded
    this rather superb feminist website is your very personal commentary on her
    really substantiated.
    I never got the impression
    that she never spoke back. But by biting her tongue on the “how come you
    earn so less” comment she did make a feminist gesture in not replicating
    that same gendered abuse.
    To me her article does not
    come across as personal suffering porn. It extrapolates from experience to note
    a general and gendered occurrence that apparently many many people have related
    to. And feminism is as much about recognising these daily interactions that go
    unquestioned as anything else.
    While some of your general
    comments here about the nature of online feminism and the self-serving
    confessional certainly apply – am not sure this particular piece is quite the
    target.
    Also the “ask me how
    I’ve suffered” school of claiming feminist superiority is quite
    established, no 🙂
    So maybe some reflection is
    indeed needed, in other quarters.

  95. Reply
    Mahinth
    April 1, 2016 at 6:39 pm

    chasingiamb Kalalkki… Superb writing of a particular reality, haven’t read anything close in a while .U0001f44fU0001f3fdU0001f44fU0001f3fdU0001f44fU0001f3fdtheladiesfinger

  96. Reply
    dhar_aa
    April 1, 2016 at 6:53 pm

    sonaliranade theladiesfinger last line is great!

  97. Reply
    chasingiamb
    April 2, 2016 at 12:12 pm

    prempanicker 🙂 🙂

  98. Reply
    prempanicker
    April 2, 2016 at 12:13 pm

    chasingiamb *grin* Couldn’t resist. BTW, lovely piece. Made me remember mom excusing dad’s many “particulars”.

  99. Reply
    chasingiamb
    April 2, 2016 at 12:14 pm

    All of ours. 🙂 prempanicker

  100. Reply
    EzeeBean
    April 2, 2016 at 2:24 pm

    chasingiamb would the ladies finger also write about “the Particular Women” !

  101. Reply
    TheM1
    April 2, 2016 at 3:20 pm

    meherunnissa But then you have proved my point 🙂
    If indeed she is far from incapable of talking back / taking action, what stopped her from talking back to her own family when it mattered? Or was all her fiery public feminism ineffective to alter her deeply conditioned persona of a well-brought-up daughter? How come that didn’t stop her from writing about it online, with thinly veiled references to family members?

    Also, the fact that a bunch of other people have jumped to defend her without so much as a quip from chasingiamb, speaks volumes.

  102. Reply
    chasingiamb
    April 2, 2016 at 4:19 pm

    Thanks ra. Mahinth theladiesfinger

  103. Reply
    annemakerofhats
    April 2, 2016 at 8:54 pm

    Always good to remember that “particular” is not synonymous with correct or discerning (esp. in these circumstances).
    theladiesfinger

  104. Reply
    MuktaPassi
    April 3, 2016 at 2:06 am

    “I also lost the gift of hunted-animal alertness that living in such households gives you.”

  105. Reply
    MuktaPassi
    April 3, 2016 at 2:07 am

    “You wake up already convinced that you’ve forgotten something important. You spend more hours of the day on your toes than Misty Copeland.”

  106. Reply
    MuktaPassi
    April 3, 2016 at 2:10 am

    This particularly awesome piece by chasingiamb!

  107. Reply
    TheSeesawMother
    April 4, 2016 at 9:27 am

    Shivangiyadav I’m increasingly liking chasingiamb’s pieces.The one on need of friendships outside marriages and this one, resonated a lot.

  108. Reply
    Shivangiyadav
    April 4, 2016 at 9:30 am

    TheSeesawMother sadly haven’t read that one. But this one was class and so precise. Loved it. chasingiamb

  109. Reply
    TheSeesawMother
    April 4, 2016 at 9:33 am

    Shivangiyadav chasingiamb here : http://theladiesfinger.com/addicted-friendship-affairs-nothing-marriage/

  110. Reply
    Shivangiyadav
    April 4, 2016 at 9:55 am

    TheSeesawMother thanks.

  111. Reply
    schemaly
    April 8, 2016 at 5:32 pm

    _praptipatel theladiesfinger this was very familiar and I hadn’t thought of this this way. Thank you!

  112. Reply
    _praptipatel
    April 8, 2016 at 5:35 pm

    schemaly theladiesfinger I know, it came as a revelation to me 2! Esp the part on what would happen if women started behaving Particular.

  113. Reply
    theladiesfinger
    April 8, 2016 at 5:52 pm

    schemaly _praptipatel You are welcome, ladies:)

  114. Reply
    Amandajeyanam
    April 8, 2016 at 5:54 pm

    theladiesfinger schemaly _praptipatel At 15 in acute pain my mum told me she wouldn’t call an ambulance as it would disturb my dad. 1/2

  115. Reply
    Amandajeyanam
    April 8, 2016 at 5:56 pm

    theladiesfinger schemaly _praptipatel 2/2. I couldn’t see a doctor until I left home and went to Uni abroad. I needed a nephrectomy.

  116. Reply
    schemaly
    April 8, 2016 at 6:01 pm

    Amandajeyanam theladiesfinger _praptipatel how awful, so sorry that happened to you. And that was a double whammy, given pain biases etc.

  117. Reply
    Amandajeyanam
    April 8, 2016 at 6:03 pm

    schemaly theladiesfinger _praptipatel Just one incident growing up in a family in thrall to particular men.

  118. Reply
    Amandajeyanam
    April 8, 2016 at 6:08 pm

    schemaly theladiesfinger _praptipatel Surgeon said condition should have been caught in childhood. Tricky when being ill is not allowed.

  119. Reply
    chronicskeptic
    April 12, 2016 at 5:28 pm

    genesiaalves theladiesfinger Yes. Tragically, yes.

  120. Reply
    chasingiamb
    April 14, 2016 at 11:37 am

    SRoyChowdhury01 Thank you:)

  121. Reply
    MPriyanka1
    April 22, 2016 at 4:09 pm

    This reminds me of a story my mother told me about a distant grandfather-type relative who had four daughter in laws. He was very particular about serving chutney on the right side of the banana leaf he ate in and curry on the left. If they changed positions, he used to throw the leaf away and get up from his seat. It was the responsibility of the daughter in laws that his leaf be changed and the chutney and curry be served in his ‘particular’ way. Now that you mentioned it, what a brat!

  122. Reply
    chasingiamb
    April 29, 2016 at 6:40 pm

    sumirti Thank you!

  123. Reply
    deepak_mathew
    May 13, 2016 at 2:23 pm

    yaksshi theladiesfinger is it only men? I’ve met women who is particular about things, even with a particular time for using toilet, lol

  124. Reply
    yaksshi
    May 13, 2016 at 2:53 pm

    deepak_mathew Haha point. 🙂 theladiesfinger

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