The week ahead beckons,
and we need to be ready for it to feel right.
For our specially feminist horoscopes, our resident tarot reader Madam Zeenat reads the New World Tarot Deck, which envisions a world where justice relies on respect and revolutionary love. And this week, the tarot images are from The Hardy Tarot Deck.
June 11-June 17, 2018
This week, the voices tell Madam Zeenat of a chocolate fountain and whisper some bad shayari about Mars.
May 22 – June 21
Somewhere in the middle of this week, Venus is going to shine on you. You’re going to turn into a fountain of affection showering everyone around you with warm feelings AKA chocolate fountain. Think about it. It’s raining. And there’s warm, liquid chocolate just fountaining down the different levels and you’re dipping fruits and cake bits in it. Dil, dosti, etc ke maamle mein sab kuchh awwal number.
At work, this is the week you will have a shot at winning loyalties and launching or completing a big ass project. You’re going to deliver on everything asked of you and you’re going to receive everything you asked for. On time. Without thirty four-and-half conference calls. (Half is that one time they announced samosas and chaat in the cafeteria and everyone left the call mid-way.
The 7 Of Wands is here to help use all this love and positivity to fulfill a vision you just had. She’s going to help you create a force field around you that will block all the negativity, and enable you to make your art, strengthen your intuition, and remind you that you got this, sakhi!
June 22 – July 22
Acclaimed American author and aviator Anne Morrow Lindbergh once said, “Good communication is just as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.” With that quote, I say, welcome to the week ahead of you. Through this week, Kekdopolitan, you’re going to be able to express yourself in a clear and straightforward fashion. That’s a good thing because wait for it…
The week opens with Mercury sextile Uranus. It’ll be full of exciting news, new people, great conversations, new directions, the future is now, badaboom badabish. And then Mercury moves opposite Saturn which will be like the morning after a night of uppers — serious thinking, negativity, sadness, isolation, badabloop badaphusss.
In that low, Kekdopolitan, don’t take any decisions that will affect your life, work or financial situation. The 5 Of Pentacles wants to remind you that the darkness is only the black hole of Your Past sucking the life out of Your Today. Tomorrow’s sun is yet to rise. Or you know, you could just fly to Australia and catch it a few hours earlier.
If you ever feel like throwing in the twel, don’t forget that everyone around you is fighting their own battle. One of them will be as sleepless as you are and will take your call.
July 23 — Aug 23
Duur se dekha toh chai ubal rahi thhi, duur se dekha toh chai ubal rahi thhi, paas jaa ke dekha toh poore kitchen pe dhal chuki thhi. Ek aur? Theek hai… (spits paan) Ek aur sunaa dete hain. Sheru beta, haal kuchh aisa hai tumhaare mangal ka, haal kuchh aisa hai tumhaare mangal ka, chance poora ka poora hai iss hafte dangal ka.
In simple words: Mars has your brain wired to explode. If you’re not careful, you’ll blackout and wake up next week in a post apocalyptic version of your life. Colleagues pissed AF. Friends unwilling to return your calls. Family shaking their heads in disappointment. The mirror asking you why you didn’t listen to Zeenat aunty this week.
The cards send you The Emperor. Think of The Emperor as the PR consultant hired to manage the image of a person, a company during difficult times. Because this is not real life, our emperor isn’t an evil spin doctor. He asks you to dramatically undermanage your image by offering the transparent truth. Just lay it all out there. So that you don’t waste time managing an illusion of the crisis and spend more time fighting the actual crisis at hand. So remember, in the face of conflict, start pouring your heart out.
Aug 24 – Sept 22
This week is every bit of jargon you’ve ever heard in corporate setups. Productivity. Synergy. Creativity. But this jargon isn’t going to be a red herring like the corporate setups (those are just the military-industrial complex’s way of taking your money, sorry, I’ve been watching too many conspiracy theory videos on YouTube). This week, you’re going to be neck deep in work and not in a stressful way. Things will go your way and every time you pass them, people will do double takes like in fairness cream ads, while mumbling, “Who’s that girl? What’s she got that I ain’t got?”
A lot of the opportunities will make you think about what you want from your future. Don’t worry, you won’t need to make any hasty decisions but definitely start talking to your mentors, gurus, cigarette wala, whoever it is who helps you with your career decisions. (I actually quit a job once after a long chai-sutta session with the cigarette wala below my office.)
What is amazing is that you’ve found The Page Of Pentacles. She recommends saying, fuck safety nets and just diving into whatever version of adulthood your future holds for you. Time to throw in your insecurities and dreams into the garden to see which insecurities become failures and which dreams become successes.
Sept 23 – Oct 23
Ad Libitum, tu Wednesday ko chhutti lele. Ghar baith, chill maar. Nai sacchi, I toh am shaking just imagining what your Wednesday is going to be like. It’s like information overload and poor self-esteem fell in love with each other at first sight, had sex in the airport bathroom, changed their tickets, spent the weekend in Paris and now they’re back and you woke up from a dream to find yourself in charge of their destination wedding.
The 9 Of Wands agrees about taking Wednesday off. She asks you to think of life as this noisy TV that’s on all the time. She asks you to find the remote and hit the mute button. Or be more daring and just turn it off. Put on your headphones, and think about all your problems as you dance the robot in your living room.
Make stuff, write stuff, paint stuff and send it to your close friends, muses and lovers. Don’t bother responding to mundane questions, only allow yourself to escape in conversations about art and magic. This Wednesday can wait till Thursday. If work is so unavoidable, then tell everyone that you will give them your feedback or decision on Thursday.
Oct 24 – Nov 22
This week, Venus is rolling all over your expensive carpet, naked and right after a run. So self-indulgent and so dramatic. You can use it to hoard stuff and cause chaos or just spend the week at a spa getting massaged till you change state of matter to jelly. Whichever way you see it, Mercury is going to help you express your needs clearly. So don’t waste them tossing poopy feelings on others. You’re not a primate.
Work is going to be boring unless you start seeding gossip at the office. Trust me, I tried it. Ended up with two weeks of everyone running around pleasing someone they thought was pissed with them. What a nightmare. But so much fun.
Relationships are going to be a sentimental soup with stone croutons. If you’re not careful, you will lose some teeth. The Page Of Cups asks you to stop looking for trouble and start looking for poetry. All fights need not be resolved as long as you spoon as you binge on a TV show and pass out. Now if you just can’t resist the urge to sting, don’t come crying to Zeenat aunty next week when passions are ignited and the drama escalates.
Nov 23 – Dec 21
Be, what you wanna be, taking things the way they come, nothing is as nice as finding paradise and sitting in the summer sun. Oh yeah, you remember that song. It just makes your bones feel melty and thanks to branded content, also makes you think of mojitos. (Secret mojito tip: Don’t use sugar or sugar syrup. Before a party, go to the nearest sugarcane juice shop and get a couple of litres of sugarcane juice.)
You know how they use “Shri Ganesh” as euphemism for “start”. This week, hugs are your Shri Ganesh. Hug everyone you meet. (Everyone you’re comfortable hugging that is.) Find more time to spend with friends, family and lovers. Find less time to spend at office. (You can always see your colleagues for beer.)
Although, what throws me off is that the cards send you The 3 of Swords. That makes me ask you if you’re planning to use this week’s lovefest to hide a pain? It’ll get infected, dummy! Use all this love to heal that not to hide it. Gham ka saathi rum not because they go well together like rum and Coke. It’s because you drink with four friends and get your heart rate up and they help you accept your truth and start healing the pain.
Dec 22 – Jan 20
Beep, beep, beep, beep… Warning: All your relationships face the threat of constant bickering. Like that high pitched, defensive, wanting to slap each other’s faces off kinda bickering. But bakarmacchh, the good thing is that you’re the champion of the submerged world. And every time things get too hot up high, you find your comfortable spot down low, in the water, where you can still breathe but all the noises are distant and muffled.
Shoppers who like to shop in areas like Sarojini Nagar and Colaba Causeway, trust me, this week you’re not going to have what it takes to get the price right. Don’t even bother. This is a week of compromise. Now, now, don’t say it like that with a sour face. Compromise is not always a bad thing. It signifies and inspires co-existence, harmony, collaboration, co-conspiration.
The Page Of Swords is going to help you cut through the barbed wire of conflict this week. She’s going to either help bring about a compromise or at least take you to safety when things blow up.
In relationships, just take one for the team this week. (And don’t even start fights on things like the colours of pillows.) You can raise the issue once again next week if it’s still bothering you.
Jan 21 – Feb 18
This week, keep a bottle of water handy and full at all times. You’re going to feel dehydrated and cotton-mouthed faster than a stoner in a desert. No, you’re not going to be working out or running a lot. Your relationships are going to drive you insane. You’re going to be flitting between the comfort of healthy relationships, heartbreaks from unrequited loves, burns from at least one toxic relationship, dirty flirtations with people igniting your soul. I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up feeling like a bheja fry and lie down on a sheermal as your sign of giving up. (Yes, Ramzan food is on my mind!)
At work, all you will have to do is… Wait, what work?! I mean seriously, dil, dariya, samundar, everything is on fire and you want to talk about work? This is why the world is going to the dogs.
Your companion this week is The 5 Of Swords. She’s like Science. You can power entire cities with her or you can make them vanish in a mushroom cloud. She will help you deliver the right tit for the right tat — love for love, toxins for toxins, kissy faces for kissy faces. And if it all gets too much, she will spoon you to sleep.
Feb 19 – Mar 20
When we’re feeling insecure, offended, broken, betrayed, guilty we are vulnerable. When we are vulnerable and end up in a confrontation with our oppressor or our victim, we tend to lash out. We say things that we don’t really mean or in a way that hurts the most. Last year, I was fighting with a friend, Kapil, and I ended up saying really horrible things about him and his work. And then I spent a few months rolling in guilt.
Then one day, we met at a friend’s birthday party. We spent time making polite chit chat when hanging in circles. We remembered why we’re friends when that polite chit chat moved to a performance that entertained everyone around us. After the party, Kapil and I decided to go for a walk. Then at 2:30am, over a smoke and a chai at a cyclewala outside a hospital, I ended up crying and then he ended up crying.
This week, The Chariot asks you if any of your friends have gone missing or you’ve absconded from a relationship because of the betrayal or guilt that either of you have felt because of anything said or done. She wants you to forgive yourself and will help you come to a place where your friend can forgive you.
Mar 21-Apr 20
You’ll call me consumerist but in a world full of darkness if finding the right belt to go with my dress will make my day, I’m going to find that belt. This is the week to venture out into the wide world of retail therapy and find yourself that correct eyeshadow or that lipstick that doesn’t bleed. The quest will lead to adventures, fun evenings and meeting people. It will solidify relationships and lead to a lot of reminiscing. You might venture into whatever bookstore is in whichever mall you go to and buy the next book that’ll look pretty on your nightstand. Or run into that village-based NGO’s stall (the one you’ve been looking for for months now) which sells the organic honey that makes your skin glow. I’m so jealous of your week that I’m sitting on the edge of my chair as I type this.
Wait, there’s more! The Page Of Wands is here to bring more whimsy to your days. She’s here to keep your mind off guilt when you’re eating your third Cinnabon of the week on Wednesday. She’s going to help you collect all your dramas and exchange them for a discount on shoes. That too the very pair that will make you feel good for the next few months.
Apr 21 – May 21
Baelotron, not going to sugarcoat it but your week is in trouble. You’ll feel like you’re trapped in quicksand. And all your relationships might feel like they’re about to collapse. The more you apply your two biggest powers — your strength and persistence — the more you’re going to sink. You’ll need to pull yourself together.
The Wheel Of Fortune is here to spin like a perpetual motion machine to give you the energy to keep your head in the game till you’re safe. She’s going to make you ask the hard questions — the ones that expose failures and shine light on the glowing moments. So with the help of The Wheel Of Fortune and the quicksand metaphor, let’s find a way out.
One, drop all the baggage you’re carrying. Your focus is to get your feet out first. Two, don’t take any big steps. Taking a big step forward might unstick one foot, but push your other farther down. Three, lay back, wait for your feet to float up and then roll out. Be slow and deliberate. Frantic movements can turn relatively solid ground into more quicksand. Your body has a lower density than the quicksand. So if you keep breathing in long, deep breaths, you will stay afloat. Focus on conserving your energy. You’re going to need it.