By Priyanka Dubey
I’ve been thinking about writing a piece titled, ‘One Thousand Reasons Not To Marry Me’ for the past few years now, ever since the ‘shaadi kab karogi?’ torture entered my life. At the same time, I kept avoiding this piece because I thought I didn’t have the courage to write it, and because, for any single working girl living in India, writing about the pressure to get married is a cliché. But when I finally decided to write, my motivation came from my slow but strong realization that the pressure is not just about getting married at the ‘right’ time, but is also a systematic, socially sanctioned way to discourage women from pursuing their professional careers, the lives that they want for themselves, by continuously hammering the fear and shame of being ‘left out’ or ‘left alone’.
Here is something that happened some years ago when I was living at home in Bhopal and working as a reporter for Tehelka Hindi. After work one evening I went to the gym. When I came home I found that a chacha of some random boy had arrived to ‘see me’ and fix my ‘rishta’ with his nephew. I was outraged to see this distant relative sitting in my house even after my repeated pleas to my parents to keep me out of the shaadi conversations. My mother told me to get dressed, but I walked into the sitting room in my gym gear and sat in front of the uncle, one leg flagrantly crossed over the other. He babbled about his ‘navy wala ladka,’ and then said, “Beta, I’ve been told that you’re very adventurous. Would you like to travel around the world in a ship with my son?”
I was 24 years old. Here are the things I had done that year: Cover stories on illegal drug trials, caste based violence against marginalised communities, trafficking of women and children, honour killings, rape and murder of teenage girls in Bundelkhand’s villages. I had also trekked for hours inside dense the Satpura forests filled with wild animals to report a story on malnutrition. I was fixing interviews for a cover story on Chambal dacoits.
I told him I had a thrilling, adventurous life myself, and wasn’t interested in his son’s ship. My parents laughed trying to diffuse the tension, and then the uncle joined in.
Not knowing when to stop he now asked, “Beta, chashme ke bina kya bilkul bhi nahi dikhta? Zara chasma utaar ke dikhao?” (Beta, can you not see anything without your glasses? Will you take them off and show us?)
I know stories of my old friends who were made to remove their footwear and walk so that the ‘ladkewale’ could see their actual footwear-less height. But this was the first time I was asked to do something like this. I told the uncle to get lost and said, “I never take off my glasses for anyone’s fancies. I’m certainly not going to take them off for you.”
* * *
“Zamana badal gaya hai,” my relatives tell me, in their attempts to convince me to get married, times have changed. “These days, men are not like before. They help in the kitchen and are very accommodating; you won’t have to cook every day,” they say.
I hated the implicit concessional tone in the word, ‘accommodating’. I’ve met few men who are actually happy to come home to a wife who is either at office, or working at her desk. “Main ghar par wife se sukoon aur aaram chahta hoon,” someone I’d met when I was working on a story had told me, “I want ease and peace from my wife when I reach home.”
For most men I know, women are like capsules of comfort. “They want to come home to warm food and a warmer bed,” a friend once told me. That friend then added, “Nobody’s going to like you if you’re too much into your work or are too ambitious. You’re bound to lose out on love if you’re a feminist.” It’s a lot like how all my male friends want to marry a “normal girl,” which is as man-made a category as the “not normal girl,” and this probably why I have no confidence that marriage won’t affect my work. I’ve seen more women around me taking care of their families, their in-laws, playing ‘acchi bahu’ at dinnertime, running their household and earning money than I have seen men attempting to help them with housework. So what happens now that I refuse to give my work a backseat for the sake of marriage?
* * *
My mother never went to school but later learned to sign in Hindi and read a bit of Hindi. My father’s schooling ended after class 10. He sat for private 12th exams and paid for his own fee by doing tuitions and selling milk. After that he somehow managed to finish a diploma course while working part-time. They wanted me to have an education, if not the kind I wanted and insisted on having. They have slowly come to terms — a little — with the life I am now leading.
Last month, when I was in London on a journalism fellowship, I received a text from a college friend who said she was getting married. After zooming in and out of photos of her with her fiancé, I sent her an excited voice message, but the truth is this excitement wasn’t my first reaction. My stomach felt funny, because I realised I was now the only unmarried single woman in my friend’s circle. I felt the pressure of being 28 and unmarried; perhaps I was making the wrong choices. I was insecure about my opinions on marriage, and now it made me wonder about being alone.
At some point I finally realised I didn’t have to get married because everybody else was. But to seek love and companionship and even marriage for myself? That wasn’t going to be easy either. In India, young couples are often killed for marrying outside the religion or caste they are born in; many women I know have been forced to choose between their parents or love, precisely for these reasons. It’s like they want you to get married, but not fall in love.
To travel from the space my family alloted me when I was born to where I am now has been a hard journey but the most important one of my life. My relatives are always telling me about my approaching ‘expiry date,’ and how lonely I’m going to be once I turn thirty. Even old shopkeepers in Bhopal, where I come from, refuse to show me saris I can wear to work, “Ab toh shaadi ke liye hi sari khareedo bitiya, deri ho rahi hai,” they say instead, it’s getting late. My parents still hope to find me a groom – some of the families they’ve met say I’m, “too accomplished, and too strong,” that I’ll, “overshadow the boy.” Nobody would say a boy is too accomplished for a girl, they’ll say she’s lucky to have found him. How do I explain that I feel lucky to have found myself and have no plan of giving it up? Reason #1 to not marry me. I can think of 999 more.
Priyanka Dubey is an independent journalist. Visit http://porterfolio.net/priyankadubeyor tweet to her @writetopd.
June 7, 2016 at 10:33 pm
You rock, Priyanka, More power to you! Perhaps we meet one day, I would definitely like to hear your thrilling experiences in Satpura ranges.
Good luck!
June 8, 2016 at 4:31 pm
I find this kind of writing very lopsided. I entirely understand and agree some of the things you’re saying but I really don’t think all men have a single point agenda for marrying women. There are a lot of couples out there who have managed to find the perfect work-life balance while being with each other and not compromising on their career. I do understand this article is about your personal experiences and not that of a collective whole, but still I’d urge you as a writer, and also perhaps as a human, to understand that there are other stories and viewpoints too.
June 8, 2016 at 10:22 pm
This is a ridiculous piece. There are many couples who manage to find
the right balance. It is all about expectations and realism. I met my
wife when we were in college (in India). We have supported each other
through education and job transitions. Today, we live and work in U.S. I
being a research methodology consultant and she working as a cytology
and blood banking technician. It has been a rough ride for us in terms
of finances, but what saved our relationship is genuine concern for each
other, will to support each other, and never losing touch of what is
realistically possible.
In my circle of friends (remember I am at
least a generation older), I
have at least a few couples where the female brings home the bread and
the male is happy to support. One of my very close friend/client (again
from India) is a specialist physician in whereas her husband is a
stay-at-home dad who does some content writing part-time. The husband
has a PhD from U.S. and the decision was based solely on personal
reasons. Another of my friends is a voice coach (not very rewarding job
financially, born and raised in U.S., of Indian origin) whereas his wife
is in the leadership team of a fortune 500 company (again from India).
This couple is of our age and has a rock solid marriage of 23 years.
I
have come across a number of girls from India in their late 20s/ early
30s, who are independent professionals. They have a truly despicable
attitude and in fact, look down upon every other male they come across.
They are arrogant, self-centered, and rude. They play the feminism card
when it is to their advantage and act all girly and demure when it is
time to shoulder some responsibilities of life. You can’t have it both
ways!
June 9, 2016 at 11:33 am
RajivKumar2 I don’t think the point of the writer is to say that every man in the world wants to get married to someone who would support them. All she’s saying is that she hasn’t yet identified a man of that sort. I saw no generalization anywhere in the whole text. Your comment however…
June 9, 2016 at 6:09 pm
How about writing an article as to how married women are not seen as career women? Why is it presumed that if a woman has decided to get married and have a kid, she is no longer serious about her career? A man can marry, have kids and yet he remains a career man. Why does a woman only have to sacrifice?
June 9, 2016 at 7:31 pm
i dont think you can find the right balance.. as someone turning the page on to 27 this year.. i fail to have met men who understand the fact that a woman can have ambitions.. dat a women can travel without permission.. more importantly that a woman can refuse to cook .. i have been independent since the age of 20.. i have paid my own electricity bills, stood in lines to get my railway tickets, planned vacations, have ambitions of a second career. But unfortunately like you i have been told “Beware you dont want a lonely life”… actually i wont mind one..
while it is true that friends are depleting as none finds a single women accomplished enough to fit in family gatherings or couple parties.
But in this cruel world of marriage obsessed people, i have found women like me, who are comfortable in their skins,, love life and understand that marriage cannot be the only way to define themselves
June 10, 2016 at 10:22 am
“I feel lucky to have found myself and have no plan of giving it up?”–>the superb line i have ever read!
June 11, 2016 at 5:15 am
I think sometimes, mostly parents, they worry about their child’s happiness and well being. So they will try to do things or set things out for you to make things easier. It doesn’t always work. They seem to forget happiness is subjective.
Maybe an interesting question to ask is, how did you approach your parents about this all after the several visits by various relatives trying to match you with someone? How did they reply when you told them how this all made you feel?
Of course I find my own parents impossible to talk to in regards to feelings and emotions and mental wellbeing. I don’t know if you have had more success in that then? If so then maybe they will try harder to support you in your own happiness, and to continue doing so.
Something to follow up on maybe, your writing has a good energy to it so would be nice to read more. Really fast hitting, and honest.
June 11, 2016 at 4:18 pm
I agree with every single word of what you say..
But please don’t pan out to be another Indira Nooyi, who consciously gave up being there at her daughters’ important moments, and now, at least in the public forums, tries to passively wiggle out of owning it up.
When you make a choice, you have to accept the negative consequences of it as well. It’s been seen that most, though NOT all, “I prefer career over marriage/personal life” PEOPLE (and not just women) often end up hoping that people will forgive the shortcomings, of the other aspects of their life, just because they have had an awesome and struggling professional one.
Don’t become that person. Rest all good.
Every person has a right to choose for themselves, without ostracization.
August 17, 2016 at 6:05 pm
great. good luck for ur journey..
August 21, 2016 at 2:21 pm
I wish there were more girls like you who didn’t get pressured by friends and relatives or advancing age into marrying someone you have no interest in.. You, miss, are a legend.. Carry on being awesome!
August 26, 2016 at 6:45 pm
I don’t know. My sister was like you, a journalist and she wrote for the Hindu. Very much against the idea of marriage and married her boyfriend early 30s and not a day goes by where she says she regrets not marrying earlier. She struggled with getting pregnant.
I think the older generation despite their fallacies don’t just speak out of their asses and there is some experience behind it.
August 27, 2016 at 5:42 pm
She’s not against all men. And she’s certainly not against marriage…she’s against marriage just for the sake of marriage! You were lucky to find your wife, and sobwere the others. Why’s shouldn’t she try her own luck and choose to marry or not just like you did?
August 30, 2016 at 10:00 am
Despite what comments below say like “omg of you have difficulties getting pregnant by marrying late how will you ever fulfill your biggest achievement as a woman reproduction” or ” you are 28 and not married what a legend”….. You are just a normal person who lives life for herself..
. Which is the only way to live life if you ask me..so one normal person to another ..
Well written piece, good luck with your journalism career…..
August 31, 2016 at 4:01 pm
“It’s like they want you to get married, but not fall in love.”
I felt this particular sentence and overall tone of the article a little immature. I don’t know if you understand parents’ point of view when they say love marriage is not okay. I am, personally, not against love marriage. But I think family of the guy and compatibility with them matters a lot. Not just in India, everywhere. Of course this isn’t guaranteed even in love marriage, but our parents can atleast have an idea if you would fit into their life or vice versa. Of course I think parents should meet the family of the guy the girl chose and all.
And I understand you haven’t seen men help out but I think we have more men who help out now that we had some ten years back. We need two income to support a house nowadays and working woman should not be a problem atleast because of this. Everyone has the right to a career, a life of their own which doesn’t always revolve around the husband/wife.
And as far as marrying late… Only marry when you are ready and when you know that he is the one… Or marry Impulsively… Actually doesn’t matter. It is your life. The choices you make are only going to affect you ultimately.
And stay away from people who say “too accomplished, too strong”. Their egos are fragile. They might break 😛
Well written article.
August 31, 2016 at 7:29 pm
Girly and feminist are not opposites or mutually exclusive. But maybe since you’re a”generation older” you know only about second wave feminism. The third wave is already well upon us.
And this time its battles are being fought against mindsets such as this.
September 9, 2016 at 10:02 am
Article says that Marriage=Inhibitions and responsibilities at an age in which a woman can fulfill her career dreams.But because of marriage she can’t do it.Her career gets affected,her existence as an independent existence as an individual doesn’t exist. This is a typical capitalist secular agenda of promoting production and increasing workforce .So anything that doesn’t have an economic value doesn’t count up as valuable.So a woman must have a career for being respected.It is fed into our minds that to get respect a woman must have a career.A new ideal woman is the one who is successful in her career,and those who don’t have one like the hiusviwrs they are literally treated as backward by these modern career savy woman.
I am not against the fact that woman should not try to build their career.But isin’t it against the very idea of respecting a woman that we are respecting only those who have a career.A woman should be respected because she is a woman.Same goes for men also.
Marriage gives one a support that is needed in life in years when we are not young.When in one’s 40’s one starts feeling lonely,so one starts having casual sexual encounters with other married and unmarried propel,thus breaking their marriage life also.One doesn’t get the moral support of one’s loved ones.And our parents are not gonna be present forever.Our freind circle shrinks as everyone gets busy in their life,kids and other things .But se are alone no one to lay back for a moral support.That situation then leads to depression and suicides.
My mom was married when she was 18.She completed her education after marriage.Had 3 children.She has been working as a teacher for past 10 years.Yesterday she turned 42.And I am now 23.She has two full grown adults with her at this statge in her life who love her like anything.
I think she is in a much better situation than all those who marry at 35-36 when complications start.One has to take care of the child at a stage when physically one starts getting weak….
So it is all about setting one’s priority right at the right time .
September 10, 2016 at 12:39 pm
Everyone has own perception about marriage. If you don’t want to marry then don’t go for it. Everything has its own importance. If you want something in your career then go and get it but if you ignore marriage or postpone and later you face problems for having child then what is the significance of that delay. At different points of time different things are important. If you skip anything then you will regret later.
September 13, 2016 at 3:41 pm
In this article Instead of giving reasons for not marrying you I have got a thousand reasons why men should marry someone like you….. Kudos… Hats off U0001f60aU0001f60aU0001f60aU0001f60a
September 14, 2016 at 7:10 pm
Great article Priyanka! Trust me it gets better (I’m 30) and you will care even less what people think in 2-3 years. I’m amazed by your accomplishments and determination. Keep at it!
September 17, 2016 at 10:32 am
Ha ha.. I really liked that line “women are like comfort-providing capsules”! It was a great pleasure to discover you as my alter-ego. Congratulations on your success to sustain the courage in walking the untrodden road. And trust me, life turns stronger with more grit and determination once you cross 30 remaining single. Comments coming from people, society and all other allied circles become meaningless when your inner strength gets the grip of defying all the odds in order to reach your own goal.
September 17, 2016 at 10:58 am
Wah.. What an articulation.. Loved it.
“How do I explain that I feel lucky to have found myself and have no plan of giving it up? Reason #1 to not marry me. I can think of 999 more.” Soooper
November 10, 2016 at 10:04 pm
DeepakThakur1 Is the same ever said to men as well, if he does not want to get married? In this day and age, is that really the only RIGHT way of life for a woman– by getting married? Also, is having kids the only purpose of getting married? What if the woman doesn’t want one and just wants a married life for the sheer companionship of the man or woman, live, love laugh the better half and work till say she’s 60?
Again it is just a perception, and an ancient one, that one will “regret later.” You get married when you feel like it, if you don’t, you don’t. There’s nothing else in between.
Kids or no kids, marriage or no marriage, one has to learn how to live with oneself happily first. And that itself sometimes takes a lifetime.
She has a very valid reason for why she does not want to be married. Please appreciate it rather than preaching a so-called right way, or scaring her with later regret!
As for Priyanka, kudos to you! This is beautifully written and absolutely resonates with every woman! Keep lliving, loving and laughing! 🙂
November 15, 2016 at 11:17 am
The title says one thousand reasons to not marry. The author explains why she doesn’t want to marry. Don’t you think other viewpoints would just negate the purpose?
Besides, she hasn’t emphasized that hers is the only viewpoint. Every thing has its pros and cons. Writing about the cons doesn’t imply that there are no pros & vice versa. Her article totally justifies the title.
November 22, 2016 at 5:19 pm
It certainly gets better and better. Ask me, I’m 52 🙂
So good to come across younger people who feel the same as me (they are so scarce in my age group)
November 23, 2016 at 4:34 am
This is not totally ridiculous. It is exactly right. There is certainly a point to be made where the women/girls are not given their due, they are not allowed by the narrow minded society to have an independent point of view, about things in general and life particularly. But this thing, this tendency of ours as a society to not let the individual decide for himself/herself, whether it is the kind of clothes the individual wants to wear or whether the person wants to marry or not marry at all or marry at the ripe age of 40 is not common only to the opposite gender. If we look at the situation realistically, we’ll find that the same kind of pressure is being put on the guys as well to live upto expectations, to have a stable career by the age of let’s say 25 and by the time they are 27, the whole extended family fans out to search for a bride for the guy. I understand that guys, as a general rule, in some cases are able to resist this kind of thing and strike out on their own, but at what cost. Here I only see one perspective being discussed, how the society is literally trying to coerce a girl into marrying, but a valid case is also to be made out from a guys perspective.
And I whole heartedly agree to the last part of your comment. Right now, what I see is that girls/women play the feminism card at a moments notice, when it suits them. But the moment they are in a tight spot and it serves their purpose, they start acting, as you so eloquently put it, all girly and demure. Let’s take an example of a queue, few people standing cheek to jowl to buy something or get somewhere, suddenly a lady walks to the front and cuts into the queue. I understand that it does not always happen and not everybody does it or there might be a very valid and pressing reason to do it but it so happens that the frequency of these kind of things happening are very high. And I do not mean there is only one scenario of a queue rather there are a lot of instances like Reserved seats in Metro Trains, Buses etc. This false sense of entitlement on both sides is very damaging.
Coming back to the point, and what I’m trying to say here is that Marriage as an institution in our culture has become very over rated. The generation that is on the cusp of adulthood is thirsting for knowledge and adventure. A desire to explore and get lost in this wide world. And that cannot always happen side by side a marriage. Everything else comes later on. Who’ll do the dishes, should the man only be the one working. Who will change the diaper, all of this comes afterwards.
Btw, I fervently agree with some of the points that the author here has made. One of them being, is the cardinal purpose of a marriage to produce kids? Can not a guy or a girl simply want life long companionship with the person they like and for that matter, it does not even have to be life long. It can be for as long as you want. It’s just that we should stop dictating what others do or should do.
Yes, there will be regrets, we might regret not having a kid later on, or if we do not marry, we might feel lonely when we are in need of someone, but we are aware of that fact. We made a conscious decision to forego those thing in the pursuit of happiness. To fulfil our dreams, to go for what we wanted, even if we are not able to achieve it.(the ‘in pursuit of happiness’ thing is a cliché, I know, could not resist using it).
Another point that the author made, although very subtle but equally profound, is the search for perfect people to marry. The almost narcissistic focus on the other persons physical attributes. What’s that about? Apparently a person just has to look good and have no easily identifiable deformity and that person is considered to be morally sound and has all the other attributes that a person planning to spend a lifetime with another person would be looking at. As messed up as the concept of arranged marriage is, this aspect of arranged marriage is one of the most shallow things that is generally accepted and widely prevelant.
And finally a shout out to the author for such an inspired article.
April 8, 2017 at 1:07 am
This is a wonderful article, thank you so much for it!
Did you make/modify the image? I love it.
April 28, 2017 at 3:37 pm
Nice one