By Manisha Pani
I’ve recently turned 30. There was one overwhelming thought that consumed my mind as my birthday crept up on me: my virginity.
I’m an independent woman with a successful career in a multinational company. I’m a late bloomer in the relationship/sex department. You’ve got to get it over with, some of my female friends tell me in disbelief, in shock. Don’t tell men that you’re a virgin! They say. Don’t tell anyone that! In the world of online dating and casual sex, I’ve learned, being a virgin is taboo.
Three years ago, I moved to Bangalore for work and was determined to explore the relationship/sex department of my life. I was curious to know what it felt like to be loved by a man. My masterful fingers grew tired of pleasing me. A year into settling in Bangalore, I dated a friend for a couple of months. It was my first relationship and I was very awkward when it came to physical intimacy. I giggled, I asked questions, and apparently I killed the mood for him. I read, watched videos on how to kiss, tongue, give a blow-job. While I was giddy with excitement, I also felt uncomfortable, mostly because I felt like I was unable to satisfy him, I wasn’t good enough. My partner supported me through this uncharted territory but somewhere along the way, he became impatient. Our relationship went from caring “Are you ok? Shall I stop?” concerns to “This is your first time, you don’t know anything” statements. The one thing he said that still causes my stomach to churn was “You are stiff as a log in bed”. That relationship was short-lived.
Through my first heartbreak, I persevered and continued to date to prevent myself from returning to my shell, a shell that took me 28 years to come out of. I met men through friends and online platforms like OkCupid and Tinder. Since then, I’ve been amazed by the men I’ve met and the conversations I’ve had.
I’ve met men who were great conversationalists, storytellers, suave, gentlemanly, awkward, nerdy, shy, self-deprecating and just plain awkward. I was also introduced to the world of labels — open relationships, non-monogamous, monogamous, polyamorous. I was intrigued and amused.
On my way to turning 30, I was reminded of a pact I had made with my high-school friends in my late twenties. The pact was to have sex before my 30th birthday, or else they’d send over some male strippers (which they were anyway unlikely to follow through). But the universe conspired to align to my desires. A man I’d met on OkC asked me if I would be interested in becoming friends with benefits with him. A married man in an open marriage asked me if I would be interested in a casual relationship. I’d come to a point where the approach of my 30s and sexual frustration were consuming me. I was tired of waiting for the ‘right’ man that popular culture tells me I should believe in. Both these men met my basic criteria — respectfulness, an ability to hold a decent conversation and attraction. But I was hesitant moving forward, plagued by questions. Should I tell them that I’m a virgin or not? How will a man react to this?
I decided to be honest. I told these suitors that I was a virgin. Friends with Benefits politely declined and told me that he was looking for someone experienced because he didn’t want things to become emotional and complicated. Married Man told me that we would take it slow, at my pace, and he would connect with me soon. He disappeared.
On one hand, I felt empowered and was glad that I took control of the conversation on my terms. On the other hand, I was still plagued with questions. Was sexual experience that important in casual relationships? Why can’t a woman just want sex and nothing else when it’s her first time? Am I not attractive? Would anyone want to have sex with an inexperienced virgin?
I spoke to my friends about it — both women and men. Some said I shouldn’t tell my male partners and wait till we are in the heat of the moment for them to find out. Some said that I shouldn’t go into the details. Some said that my virginity was creating a mental block that was hindering my confident self from just being me.
Wanting to be sexual with someone, casually or romantically, is about mental readiness. As I reached that state, I also felt that I was reaching an expiry date. Again, I had questions. Was there an expiry date? Did I need to ‘lose it’ by 30?
I don’t have the answers to my questions yet. I don’t know what I will say the next time someone wants to have a casual relationship.
But this is what I do know: I want to ‘lose it’ with someone I’m comfortable with, on my terms. I want to love my narcissistic self, please myself (thanks vibrator!), own my sexuality and its many quirks — one of them being that I haven’t had sex with a man yet.
And I want to talk about it.
September 3, 2016 at 4:58 am
I very deliberately had sex for the first time at the elderly age of 36 (I am now 44). I had not had any romantic relationship before that time–or since. I enjoy sex a lot, and I had always wanted to be sexual, but I thought sex was limited only to people in relationships. At 36 I realized I could have casual sex…can you tell I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer?
I met the man online, but I did not tell him it would be my first time having sex. In the past I had told a man I dated that I had never had sex, and like your “Friends with Benefits” suitor, he backed away because he was concerned I would become emotional about him (as my purported “special” first lover–what an egotist!). After I had sex for the first time, I was shocked that I bled a lot. I was 36 for goodness sake, not a young girl! I had used tampons for many years; I thought my hymen was a distant memory. My clueless partner thought I had started my period, and I did not disavow him of that notion. I was ashamed to tell him that I had not had sex before. To me that was tantamount to admitting that no one had ever desired me before and I was worthless. I never saw him again.
Since then I have learned not to define my worth based on my fuckability, or a man’s opinion of me. I have also had lots of casual sex, most of it joyful and always respectful. I have realized that sex does not need to be bounded within a relationship; I can have it on my own terms. If I did it all over again, I still would not have told my first lover that he was my first. To me, that my was my business, not his.
I wish you much joyful sex, either on your own or with partners! -Arpita
September 3, 2016 at 9:46 pm
Beautifully written. Loved it. I’m with same kind of mentality. It need not be bound with relationship.
September 5, 2016 at 3:19 am
I quite like the article, and the balanced way it is written. A lot of ‘issues’ that many men often have while having sex with a first-timer have their roots, I think, in the kind of society we live in. Women are conditioned to ‘value’ their virginity, to view it as a matter of dignity and honour. This leads to men forming the misinformed opinion that the ‘first time’ is a magical thing that will make a woman fall in love with them.
This is patently false.
The first-timers I have been with have told me that the very first sexual experience – the popping of the cherry, to put it crassly – is extremely painful. Most women, even if they ARE aware of what happens, are usually taken unaware by the suddenness with which the pain hits them. Some want take a time out to give it another go. Others are disenchanted with the entire experience and want nothing to do with sex, at least for a considerable future (thereby killing the ‘mood’).
What needs highlighting, here, is the fact that men, even those with multiple sexual experiences, are often clueless about the way such a delicate situation should be handled. There is no sensitisation training that tells men about how to make the woman comfortable, both physically and emotionally, and when to just stop and let it be. We are basically just learning on the job, with just a basic idea of what needs to be done.
Thankfully, I actually cared about the people I was with, which allowed me to learn how to approach sex with a first-timer. A lot of it, unlike what is shown in porn movies, is communication. Both partners need to communicate in order to establish emotional/physical comfort, especially for the female – she, after all, is the one going through most of the pain. Foreplay becomes very important to ensure proper lubrication, while any penetration must be made gently and gradually. I usually find that a mild initial thrust to enter, followed by well-spaced incremental thrusts to push myself in completely, does the trick. Holding the position once the penis is completely in is also preferable before the more regular motion is given a try. The pace, again, must be slow to begin with. Missionary usually works best in such situations. Again, both partners need to communicate to ensure that neither of them is feeling uncomfortable. Stopping it if the discomfort becomes too much is always preferable. Forcing it can be quite frankly spoil the experience, especially since another go can be had at a later time.
Having said that, I am sure the men who disappeared after you told them you were a virgin were not worth the effort. Do not take their behaviour to mean that there is something wrong with you, because there isn’t; the fault lies in their minds, their thinking. You be the way you are, and sooner or later someone who is willing to respect your life choices and care for you for what you are. As a person. Not just someone to have sex with.
September 7, 2016 at 3:08 am
gud one…..do want u like ur way because its ur life…. there are 30+ age men who are vergin and there are girls also…. no body cares sex is dnt a big thing it will happen its nature somtime it happen early somtime late… just like other things in the world… god have some big plan for you..
September 7, 2016 at 11:15 pm
well written..!!
September 9, 2016 at 10:36 am
Hmmm.. I was under the impression that it is a turn-on for men to deflower a virgin, or whatever crap it is called these days.
Nice article.
September 15, 2016 at 11:13 pm
I love the openness with which you have written this. Sex, first time, second time, nth time, with a new partner, with an old partner, all of it just seems so delicate and sensitive sometimes, when really all it requires is for people to actually communicate with each other and be respectful of each other. It’s strange how difficult that can be.
I’ve found myself often on the other side. I discovered my own sexuality very early in life, and was very open about it. This wasn’t a political decision, I just never got the memo on girl training. But once I started being surrounded by stereotypes of men always wanting sex, I found it easy to believe it, and casual sex became like a boring game of rummy. Until.
In my first serious relationship, my boyfriend refused to have sex with me for 3 years. We were physically intimate in all sorts of ways, but he was just not ready for peno-vaginal. I was flabbergasted. I didn’t know how to react. This had never happened to me before. My experience had always been men willing and eager to get their penis into me, and since I largely used men as live dildos at that point, I was happy enough with that. In this relationship though, there was more involved, so I did my best to be accommodating, but it quickly got incredibly frustrating. I have to admit that I may have pushed.
My second serious relationship left me even more discombobulated. It took him a year to get around to kissing me, another year to let me touch him, and eight months of living in the same house for him to get comfortable removing his clothes. Again, I’m ashamed to say that as hard as I tried to be accepting and respectful of his sexual boundaries and desires, I kept count. Got frustrated. Got angry. Got bored. And it was even more frustrating to find out that it wasn’t his first time at all. He had been sexually active from a young age, and had had multiple male and female sexual partners.
Damn! I lost the point of what I was saying in that long, narcissistic monologue of mine. Yeah, well, basically that sexuality and comfort and desires and all that are all just so complicated, and some lucky bastard, who has the brains to reign in whatever idiot thoughts he’s having and deal with the sexual situation of being with a virgin, however new and ‘strange’ it may be for him, will get a chance to learn a lot about his own sexuality, like I did. Or not. Because, well, sex is about the feels at the time, no?
September 16, 2016 at 4:48 pm
What should a 27 year old virgin boy do?
October 12, 2016 at 6:09 am
Hi Manisha,
First of all, it’s been a joy reading your story. I admire your honesty and appreciate people sharing their own experiences in the comments section. Here is my experience and thoughts on losing one’s virginity:
My first ever relationship lasted about 2 years until I was 18 and moved to a different city to go to college. It was then that he dumped me. At a party I met a 26 year old man that I found extremely interesting and attractive. We hit it off instantly. I was still bitter from my messy break up and really wasn’t interested in starting another relationship. I lost my virginity that very night during what I thought would be a one night stand (we met up and ended up having sex a few more times after that). There was little blood and I told him I was near the end of my period. It helped me feel better about myself at the time because I had been really sad for a couple of months following my break up.
Anyway, I didn’t tell this new man I was a virgin. I didn’t think I had to be honest with him because there was no emotional involvement or any possibility of a long term relationship. Therefore there were no expectations. You just have to get the job done and move on. All the best 🙂
November 1, 2016 at 2:08 pm
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April 27, 2017 at 4:37 pm
38 and almost-virgin. never had any sexual interaction without a few BIG O’s. i still feel i need to tick it off a list coz all people i have mentioned to think i am super weird. i think they are super weird for all the times they had sex and faked orgasms. yes i am judgey too. sorry